#005: The BackYard

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

First thing. I know I said these files are designed to make you think about something or another and they are. This one is no different than the others and hopefully people will catch what I am trying to get across. Next, the BackYard is used in this, but apply this story to any board that doesn’t give access or NUPs out to anyone. I am not trying to boost my ego or anything like that. Just a simple story and not much more.

It was late. REAL late. The clock that sat next to his computer said it was almost 11:44. Way past his bedtime, he risked facing his parents in order to try it. He had been planning it for days now. Tonight, he was going to do it, he was actually going to call the BackYard. With any luck, he would be validated by tomorrow night.

The lights were all off in his bedroom, and he was making sure to keep absolutely quiet. For days now he had worked as hard as he could to find the elusive phone number that would connect him to the BackYard. He had mailed all of his friends trying to find out who ran this mysterious board and what number it was at. He had even found out there was a new user password he would have to get past. But that was no trouble, for he was a hacker. He just knew he could get past that and be on his way to all sorts of neato files he could leech away at.

Nine more minutes and he would call. It would be midnight then, and he could call and be one of the hyper-elite. He quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure that his parents hadn’t walked in to check on him. He sat there in his Superman pajamas waiting quietly. His walls were adorned with Nintendo posters, middle school awards, and other stuff that was k00l. His computer desk was full of newly obtained disks of warez and he was just waiting to get more!

Just today he had gotten the mail he wanted to see. It was from his best friend and the best hacker he knew. It was his best friend, Tommy, aka Leecher. His friend had DLed a file called FUCK0001.TXT. He didn’t dare DL such a file because his parents would ground him from his computer for a year if they found out. PREDATOR. It was so simple. But it was the new user password for the BackYard, and would let him get on and get the account he so dearly wanted.

Twelve o’clock! The time had come. He hit enter, and BitComm did the rest. He watched each number pass slowly….the number rang…and he heard the tell tale whistle of carrier being sent. He had never heard a more beautiful sound in his 11 and a half years. CONNECT 1200 scrolled out across his screen. He had connected to the BackYard! He almost yelled out but quickly silenced himself and looked around to make sure he hadn’t been found out. A moment passed and no one came to his door so he figured he was safe.

The title screen scrolled by so fast and he looked at it and studied each and every bit of it. He moved his trembling hands to his keyboard and slowly typed in the word, NEW. As expected, it asked him for the new user password. He typed as fast as he could. P-R-E-D-A-T-O-R. The next second was the longest of his life, and he waited a lifetime for the response it seemed. “Welcome…” flashed on his screen. He had made it! He was a user on the hyper-elite board known as the BackYard.

Boy would his friends be jealous! He slowly read all of the text that ran across his screen. So much to read but he just knew it would pay off. It took him almost 20 minutes to read the three pages of text. Some of it was legal stuff that he didn’t quite understand, but the second part was about the board and the rules of it. He read and re-read each one to make sure he could remember them. The last thing he wanted was to break a rule on this board and get kicked off. Another [PAUSE] and it stopped. Ansi? What was that? Hmmm. Since he wasn’t sure, he decided to hit N. A second later and it came to that dreaded time. He had to enter his handle. This question had kept him thinking for days now, whether or not to use a new one or an old one or something he had heard before. His mind was made up…BLACKBEARD. No one would guess who it was.

He was tense, more tense than he had ever been. He slowly read, and typed and answered every question put to him. He was honest, boy was he honest. Lying just wasn’t the thing to do, especially lying about stuff like his phone number, age, and all that. This sysop wouldn’t erase him for lying! Seconds later and it was validation letter time. This was the only other thing that had crossed his mind these past few days. This was it…




With the final enter he finished it off. It was only a day before he would be validated and he could call back and see everything he had been missing. He was too excited to do much more and besides, he had school tomorrow. With a few keystrokes, he dropped carrier and went to bed.

Far across town, in some obscure college dorm, on the sixth floor, a slight chuckle could be heard followed by a single “click”. If you knew the keyboard well, and had good ears, you would know it was the ‘D’ key being hit.

As I said. I am not really thinking my board is cool. It is better than a few of the boards in the area and such but who gives a shit. Anyway, the point of all this is just to make you think about how trivial being on one BBS is. I mean, you have access to a few more files, a few more subs to post drivel on, a few more g-files to read. Just don’t make it a big issue to get on a board. Hell, I do it to so this is sorta “do as I say, not as I do“.

#002: Shock Value

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

shock n (1) : a disturbance in the equilibrium or permanence of something
(2) : a sudden or violent mental or emotional disturbance

Its an interesting thing, this Shock Value. Shock is something that all of us experience at one time or another and if you say you don’t then you are a liar or something. Seems that the younger you are the less you experience it, so typically the older people display more shock than anyone else. You ever stop to think why they do? Me neither. I just like to do stuff that gets that wonderful reaction and surprise the hell out of some poor fool that is gullible enough to fall for simple stuff.

Anyway, I am in college so naturally I make contact with many people any given day. Whether it is in the elevator, the dining hall, or in class I get a chance to interact with other people. So, when near people my friends and I like to say or do stuff that shocks the hell out of other people. Following is a list of some things you can say or do that will usually get a good reaction out of people and make them wonder about you, your relatives, or your friends.

Remember, that the following things are accepted if done by little kids or something. Why is that they are looked down upon if done by older people?

Elevators, Lines, etc. where you have a little time and a few people nearby that will hear what you and your friends say but can’t really move away.

Dad in Jail

Loki: “Hmm. So when is your dad going to get out of jail man?
Scourge: “Not soon. Dumbass got in a fight with another inmate so he won’t make parole this month.
Loki: “What was he in for anyway?
Scourge: “Some kid flipped him off, he had been having a bad day, and he sorta hit the kid while he was driving.
Loki: “Shit. He’s pretty crazy. I remember when he was here for parents day and he pulled a gun on me. I about shit in my pants.
Scourge: “Yeah. Hopefully he won’t be around for parents day this year.


Loki: “I swear. If those damn cops show up again at my door tonight I am gonna be pissed.
Scourge: “Its your fault man. I told you to calm down. Your roommate was only kidding. I’m sure he didn’t know about your mom.
Loki: “I don’t give a shit. He talks about her again I am going to kill him.
Scourge: “You beat the shit out of him last night. I don’t think he will be joking about your mom again after that.
Loki: “He better not.

Conversations like that can often prove to be quite interesting and will will usually get wonderful responses from people nearby. When you do it, you have to be talking in a calm, matter-of-fact voice and that just throws people off and makes it quite believable.

Loki and Doc Z has come up with a few things that will make people think about steering clear of you as well as question your sanity but who gives a shit. Their opinions aren’t worth shit.

  • Upon entering an elevator, lobby, or wherever, just casually turn and look at your shoulder and growl at it. Do a low guttural growl and an occasional bark or two.
  • Bat away those pesky insects that only you can see.
  • Stand in a corner and press up against the wall to conserve space and dart your eyes around as if you are scared of something.
  • If you are walking somewhere, dart behind objects as if you are hiding from someone who might be looking for you.
  • Just start moaning “NOOO! NO! They can’t posses me!
  • Turn to the person beside you, “Are the voices in my head bothering you?
  • Casually say “Man, after carrying a gun all day it starts to get a little uncomfortable.
  • Yell “Mosh!” and start jumping around hitting everyone.
  • Have your friends just stare at a single individual until they look or move away.
  • After the doors shut on an elevator say something like “Bridge” or “Engineering“.
  • If carrying a bag hold it up and say something like “This is a lot of pornos to be watching in one night. Should be a blast
  • Quick touch the person next to you and yell “Tag! Your it.
  • Play the classic game of cooties.
  • Toss an imaginary ball back and forth.
  • At the same time have you and your friends just cover their ears and moan
  • in pain all the while saying “Turn the noise off! Its too loud!
  • Talk in a language that only you and your friends understand.
  • Face a wall or the back of an elevator when waiting, instead of a door or whatever else.

I know a lot of these things may seem wierd or even stupid but the reactions you will get out of them will be quite worth it I guarantee.

+Written by someone at the BackYard
+Help and ideas from Doc Z and Loki

#001: F.U.C.K. – Starter

What is F.U.C.K. you ask? Ok. So you don’t. You probably think it a bunch of losers that write stupid text files about boring shit right? Ha! wrong. Actually, the group is really small right now as it is just forming but that doesn’t mean the quality of the files will be down or boring. Anyway, we are a small group of college kids that don’t exactly fit into many parts of society or whatnot, we all BBS, and we all look down upon many parts of the shithole we are forced to live in. Society doesn’t like us and we don’t exactly care for society.

Doc Z and I were sitting in IHOP one night and decided that it would be cool to start a line of text files so our thoughts could be read by many people. All of the members have or have been exposed to the cDc files and we all know that they are widely known and respected in parts of this country. I have read all of them, and the other members have read most or all of them. The cDc files are what gave us the idea of a line of files. First, we don’t plan on copying cDc, taking any of their wisdom away, or anything like that. Our text files will be quite different and usually on a slightly more serious note. Not really serious but they are designed to either make you think about something or laugh about something. Anyway, a lot of thanks goes out to Swamp Ratte’ and the cDc file authors for their time that made us want to do these.

If things work out well, you will see one or two F.U.C.K. files a week but don’t hold your breath. If one of us have time we will put one out and hopefully it will be read by a few people. Anyway, each file will be named FUCK####.TXT and they will go in order from 1 to whatever. We hope that no one will alter any of the files in any way so that they may be seen in their original form. Original files can be DLed at no cost from The BackYard.

Who knows how far this line of files might go. For all we know we may grow to be like 115 years old and on file number 8472 or something. Course, we may also stop after number 6 or something stupid but I think they will go a little ways. All of the views and shit in these files are our own views of things and our surroundings. Hopefully you will read them and begin to think about what we are babbling about and realize stuff about your surroundings that you had never seen or realized before.

The thing that bothers me the most and has sorta driven me to write about it is the fact that people are so damn unaware of their surroundings. People think only of themselves and don’t give a shit about other people. Usually it isn’t that they don’t give a shit, but that they don’t realize that their actions have a direct influence on other people. Usually this amounts to be a small inconvenience but it all adds up and begins to bother people. They shout obscenities or whatnot at whoever did it and more hate is displayed. Bah. So anyway, read the files, take them however you want to and do what you will, but just stop and think about it for a minute. Just doing that might actually help this pitiful world out somewhat. That’s all for me.


“It is always worth while to speak to a clever man.” -Fyodor Dostoyevsky-

I hope that you will feel that it is always worth while to read the F.U.C.K. files. I know that I’m not personally trying to change the world but I am trying to get people to see it through my glasses. I’ll try to spread a little down home wisdom laced with a bit of culture. I feel that Scourge pretty much summed up everything else. I’m still waiting for Godot.

Thanx to: cDc, Swamp Ratte’, IBM, Texas Tech, Wayne Bell, WWIV, agent Frerricks and his gestapo, Aaron Spelling(ha!), Jeena and Dana (waitresses at IHOP), Grave Digger(right), IHOP, Diet Coke, William Shatner(don’t ask), Elvis, modems.

Dam: stay put pens, Sony and my stereo, Cthulhu, English, DOS Edit, Music, TV, Happy Harry Hardon, Fantasy, my sock, Malcolm X, Tom & Jerry, and many many more.

Doctor Zhivago’s: Patrick McGoohan, George Orwell, the man that designed the leisure suit, Simon & Simon, Neil Young, those seven stranded castaways, Boss, the pre-dominantly white corner, and the good Lord above.

Loki: Chia Pet