#045: F.U.C.K. Anthology II

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]


There is always kidding about tagline rip-offs and some people take it seriously, but fuck it. This anthology if full of taglines I have collected over the last year or so. Some are fucking hilarious, while others are funny, but ring a lot of the truth. Read them and take it for what it is worth.

“Genius is 10 percent inspiration, and 50 percent capitol gains.”
“I say we nuke the site from Orbit, they’re all liberals anyway.”
“If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good.” – B Gates
“Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection”
“The human race has only one effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
“Toto, I don’t think we’re in DOS anymore…”
“When policy fails, try thinking.”
“You keep saying that, I don’t think it means what you think it means”
$ not found … A)bort, R)efinance, or D)eclare Bankruptcy
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the @#$%* thing with a BFH!
–T-A+G-L-I+N-E–+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+–G-A+U-G-E–
…A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
007 þ Error 216: Tagline out of paper.
2400 baud makes you want to get out and push
640k = 4 Megs In Dog Bytes.
<Ctrl><Alt><Del>to read the next message
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A genius recognizes a moron faster than a moron recognizes a genius.
A lecture on time travel will be held yesterday.
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
All generalizations are false.
Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Anarchy is against the law.
Another brilYunt mind DiZtroyed by da publik edukashun sistem.
Are you using Windows…….or is that just an XT?
Arkansas foreplay: “Sis, are you awake?”
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Backup is for whimps!
Batches, batches, we don’ need no steenkin’ batches!
Best loved feature of MS-DOS 6.0: the uninstall.
Beware of averages … they regress to the mean!
Beware of geeks bearing .GIFS!
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier
BorgDOS v3.02 loaded… All valuable programs will be assimilated!
Born Free, Taxed to Death !!
Buy a 486-33 you can reboot faster
C:>Erase c:\reality.sys Copy a:\trek*.* c:\
C:\DOS … C:\DOS\RUN … RUN\DOS\RUN! …
CAUTION!!! Do NOT look at laser with remaining eye…
Call my dad…my mom’s too busy. – Chelsea Clinton to school nurse.
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard…
Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.
Castration takes balls.
Chernobyl Used Macs
Christian (n): Two-legged sport animal originally bred for lion food.
Circumstantial evidence may suffice, as when there’s fish in the milk
Click … click … click … damn, out of taglines!
Cockroaches rule the Earth. Pass it on.
College is just High School with ashtrays.
Control-ALT-Delete thyself
Courage is just stupidity with a BOLD look on your face!
Criminal lawyer. Isn’t that redundant?
D.A.M.N. Nude Mothers against Dyslexia
DOS never says “EXCELLENT command or filename”…
Daddy! Let me push a-!@# NO CARRIER
Death is Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
Do you mind, if we dance wif yo dates….
Does God have unlimited disk space?
Dogs crawl under fences; software crawls under Windows.
Don’t be a butt nugget
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don’t pick up a girl unless you can lift her boyfriend.
Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it!
Don’t take life too seriously … it’s not permanent.
Double your Hard Drive Space: DELETE WINDOWS!
Downloading at 300 baud is as exciting as fucking Mother Teresa.
Drop your carrier … we have you surrounded!
Drugs, crime, sex, money… God, I love Congress.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
Dyslexics are genetically designed to translate Japanese.
ERROR 301: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to resume.
ERROR LPT1 not found.. use backup – PENCIL & PAPER
Eat the rich – the poor are tough and stringy.
Error : (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it
Ever caught yourself reading taglines and not the msgs?
Experiment #9: Cats without legs never land on all fours.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
For God’s Sake, Get Off…She’s Dead Jim!
GVRNMENT.SYS Corrupted: (P)anic?
George Bush – the EDLIN of Presidents !
God Said : E = «mvý – Zeý/r, And There Was Light
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Gun Control– Being able to hit the Target!
Hard DISK? Gee lady, I misunderstood you.
He who dies with the most TAGLINES wins!
Hello? I know you’re out there, I can hear you reloading.
Help me, my operator is pulling my plu øÕŸ­ûùæ NO CARRIER
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Here’s a final in from Rome: Lions – 42, Christians – 0
Holodeck, run program “Kill_Wesley_One.”
How do I set my Laserprinter to stun ??
I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I am going to live forever, or die trying!
I am not young enough to know everything.
I just got my AT&T bill. Buy stock!
I just got pulled over by the LAPD, and boy, am I beat!
I know a good tagline when I steal one.
I know it all. I just can’t remember it all.
I like children, if they are properly cooked!
I’m in shape … round’s a shape isn’t it?
I’m not arrogant, I’m just better than you.
I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I’m not stupid, I’m neuroanatomically challenged.
If I wanted culture, I’d go eat yogurt.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success…
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If it wasn’t for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!
If there is no God, who pops up the Kleenex?
If you can’t think of a tagline, steal one! (like I do!)
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of Congress.
Ignorance is temporary, stupidity is permanent
Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!
I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realize I was breaking the laws of physics
In God we trust; all others we voice verify.
In the Beginning, God rolled a 00 on the Random World Generation Table
It said “Insert disk #3”, but only two will fit!!
It’s not a virus… it’s just Windows 3.0!
It’s not what you say, it’s what I think you said.
Jesse Jackson: the EDLIN of political candidates.
Jesus saves…Gretzky gets the rebound…he shoots…he SCORES!!
Lawyers should advertise on hospital ceilings.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it.
Line noise provided by Southwestern Bell Telephone!
Looks like a booger –> @ , but its not.
MS Word: From the folks who brought you EDLIN
Man created booze, God created weed, who do YOU trust?
McBorg: Over 50 Billion Assimilated.
Minds & parachutes only function properly when open.
My karma just ran over your dogma.
My lips make promises but my heart is a whore.
My system goes down more often than a $10 whore.
NY cops go bar-hopping; LA cops go night-clubbing.
Never date a woman who can pee higher on a wall than you can
New Grammar: Bad – Worse – Windoze
Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition
Now wait a minute… How do I know you’re the REAL Angel of Death?
OS/2 – because YOU’RE not afraid of a few hundred bugs.
Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.
Ohgreat,nowmydamnspacebarwon’twork!
On the 8th day, the Corps of Engineers started changing everything.
One man’s cultist is another man’s prophet …
Paranoia is heightened awareness!!
Pardon me. What other colors of Poupon do you have?
Pardon my driving… I’m trying to reload, eh?
Police tagline. Do not cross.
Politically incorrect and DAMNED proud of it!!!
Pollytheism (n.), The belief that God is a parrot. (Pollytheist)
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Press [Ctrl][Alt][Del] to continue.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory
RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Real men use the command lines…
Real programmers use COPY CON:PROGRAM.EXE
Remember when safe sex was a padded headboard?
Resistance is futile. Resistance is amusing. Resistance is appreciated
Ross Perot: Best reason for the CIA to keep hiring assassins.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Shh! Be vewy vewy quiet! I’m hunting wuntime ewwors!
Since you’re going to die anyway, can we use you as a shield??
SsUeBnLdIMINmAeL TmAoGnLeIyNE.
Strangely enough, some of my best friends are humans.
Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
Super-sado-masochistic-expialidocious!
Tag line thievery … On the next Geraldo!
That tagline is TRUE -> <- That tagline is FALSE
That was Zen, this is Tao.
The next time you wave, please use ALL of your fingers.
The worst thing about censorship is ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ.
This message was typed on recycled phosphor.
This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
WARNING! SAFESEX.ZIP is a Trojan.
What if God is virtualizing reality?
When someone says, “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other plans.
Why buy her a Diamond when SHE don’t last forever?
Windows – The best 8 meg solitaire game around!
Windows 3.1… The 486 Crippler.
Windows is NOT a virus… a virus DOES something!
Windows. The President Bush of your computer.
Yes, that IS a shotgun in my pocket, but I AM glad to see you anyway.
Your Cat-Scan shows disfiguration, I wanna laugh myself to death.

If you have seen any cool taglines and you want to submit them for future publication just mail them along. Peace.

#044: Fuck You – Part 1

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]


‘Niggas’

A hearty ‘fuck you’ goes out to all the niggas out there. Not black people. Not black wannabe’s really. Niggas are the people that talk their own little lingo, dress their own little dress, and do their annoying little bullshit. You have seen a nigga most likely. Around here, niggas are white, black, and Hispanic mostly. Of course you will see your occasionally white boy nigga here and there. Doesn’t matter what color of skin you have, you can still be one.

Walking down the mall in groups you will find them. Usually in their late teens, maybe early 20’s or so. Wearing a hat that shows off which team they like. Baseball, basketball, or football. Most of the time they have the tags still on the hat, or they wear the hat sitting on top of their head, not wearing the hat really. A few fake gold chains and other assorted fake jewelry. ‘Course, if you tell them it is fake, they will get pissed off and threaten to shoot you with their ‘gat’ that they wish they owned. Usually they wear a t-shirt with some other team they like, or maybe just a solid color to show their ‘gang'(hahaha) affiliation, or maybe it is a huge jacket covering most of their upper body so you can’t see all the guns they have. Next you have your shorts or pants being worn ten inches below the belt waste. Having the ‘sag’ is really cool and shows that you can fight, and that you are tough, and that you are a gang member, and this, and that. Once again, the shoes are another sign of who they like on TV, maybe it is Jordon, maybe it is the ‘Shak’.

I now work at a clothing store so I see a lot of the niggas and I have to deal with them. It is quite funny listening to them talk and pick out clothing. I can suggest the most butt ugliest shirt in the whole store, and say ‘yeah, its the cool thing right now’ and I have a few more dollars working toward my commission. It isn’t that easy though. Does ‘wannabe’ count as a second language? They talk like they are fucking primates, which isn’t that far from what they are I think. They can’t form complete sentences, can’t use punctuation, can’t use more than four letter words, etc. “Fu’, bra! Tha shi’s coo’” is a nice sentence you may hear from one of them. I swear it is a second language, and you must learn it if you want to deal with them. First thing they go to when they enter the store is the ‘Guess'(tm) jeans. We sell them for 59.99 a pair, and for a good reason. Because we can sell them to these lame fucks.

These ‘niggas’ are only going to high school ‘cuz they have to, and that is wear they learn what is ‘in’ and how to be cool. That way when they are working their k-k00l jobs flipping patties at Burger King(tm) they know all the while that back in their closet they have a pair of ‘Guess'(tm) jeans. Why ‘Guess'(tm) you ask? Because they saw it on a movie with ‘gangstas’ or on some lame rap video.(not all rap videos are lame…)

So you know what these people look like, and you know how they act, but do you know why? I understand clothes going in and out of style, but do attitudes? Hell yeah they do. And this is the latest(lamest) of them. Movies portray being a gangster as cool, having money, having ‘bitches’, and having power. But these lame wannabe’s I see in the mall have none of that. I have one customer that comes in occasionally, that dresses in fashion, has quite a bit of gold(real too), and always has a two inch wad of cash. I helped him with some stuff and as he pulled out the cash to pay for it, five ‘niggas’ beside him just gaped. These are the same ones that boast “Money is no object” and “I could buy 3 pairs of Guess(tm) if I wanted” and shit, and then gape when they see real money.

Anyway, if you are reading this, and think it is cool to wear your pants around your ankles, talk like a primate, and front around malls, then please get a clue. I would pay money to see someone shoot these people. I would pay more to see someone run up and yank down their pants and run off I think.

So ‘Fuck You’ niggas.