#055: Equal Rights

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

All (wo)men are created equal! Go ahead and say it! Go ahead and wipe out that gender gap. Lets make it so men and women are 100% equal so we can shut some of these bitches up.

I think I see it almost twice a week now. Somewhere, in some area of the country, some woman is trying to press on in the endless battle to guarantee equal rights. Long ago it was voting, now it everything else from congress to the fucking boy scouts.

Our government, and any other position of power has long been dominated by men. Seldom do you see a woman in charge and that just makes a few women mad. Hundreds of organizations close their doors to females based on tradition.

Government. What is the basis of our system? Voting. You vote to see who is in charge. The majority of the people win and put who they want on the little throne of power. Now think about it. It is close to a 50/50 split population wise, when it comes to male/female. So if some lady wants to run for some office, and she runs against a male opponent, and the guy wins, who is to blame? All the men for being narrow minded? Or is it all the women who didn’t get off their fat asses and go to the voting booths?

Lets take one for example. The Boy Scouts. I think the name alone would tell you who belongs and who doesn’t. Can’t really bitch because there is a Girl Scout organization but that just isn’t good enough. Back a few years, some bitch took the Boy Scouts of America(BSA) to court because she wasn’t allowed to join a troop. A big legal battle took place, and honestly, I don’t know how it ended up. I do know it probably got shot down, and the BSA didn’t have to allow her in, or at least that is what should have happened. Now think a minute. What would be said if some boy wanted to join the Girl Scouts? First, he would be turned down. Second, if he tried to take it to court, it wouldn’t even make it because we all know he is just some little pervert trying to get into the girl’s pants. Nope! Don’t say it it different. We all know that is exactly what is going through his mind, but that kind of thought NEVER crossed the girl’s mind.

Last thing. Why don’t you ever see any of these ladies pushing for a change in the draft? If some war breaks out, and the U.S. decides to re-instate the draft, why is it that only men get drafted?

All men are created equal! Once again, this time lets do away with any racial barriers we have. No matter what skin color, there will be no discrimination!

Hmmm. What is wrong with this picture? First, I am totally against the KKK and other white supremacy groups, but look around. There ARE black supremacy groups, maybe they don’t get the TV and news coverage as the white groups, but they are still out there.

NAACP. National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Great group to help out the ‘colored’ people so that they aren’t overlooked. Wait. Ever heard of the NAAWP? Yeah, that is the group that helps out White People. Huh? Never heard of it? Actually they exist, but they get a lot of shit. Why though? Same damn thing, just one little letter difference in the acronym.

How ’bout the United Negro College Fund. To help those poor but smart black students get through college. Now what if I applied for a United Caucasian College Fund. I think several people would jump on my case, a few groups take me to court, etc. Saying that isn’t fair, or that it discriminates.

I think it is about time we cut this shit about discrimination. Yes it happens. White people discriminate against black. BUT, the same shit happens from black to white. Reverse discrimination is what it is called by many.

All people are created equal. Lets not discriminate based on sexual preference! If you are gay, good for you! Stand up and cheer and watch as no one beats you down for saying so!

I have no problem with gay people. As long as they don’t approach me, no prob. BUT, lets take the most popular example of discrimination against gays. ‘Amendment 2’ in Colorado. You may have heard about it since it was on all the news programs for several weeks. According to the news the amendment stated that gay people would not be discriminated and that doing so would get you into deep shit or something like that.

Wait a sec. Since I kinda live here, and I kinda voted on it, I have to clear up something. The amendment did NOT say that at all. The amendment was set up to provide rights ABOVE and BEYOND what is provided for everyone else. So basically gay people would be given more rights than heterosexuals. Hmm. I voted no on it, and I would do it again in a second. Sure, let them have equal rights, but to hell with them getting more than I do. Just isn’t fair really.

I am not about to go into religious discrimination. That will no doubt be in another file down the road by someone else.

Anyway, I think you get the point, and if not then give up and go shoot yourself or something.

#054: So You Wanna Be Cool

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

Wanna be cool? Here it is, step by step.

  1. Get a beeper. All cool people have beepers. This shows that you are important enough, and need to be reached so often. Of course, you can save a little money if you want, and not take the service. Just make sure that it can beep when you press the button. Now, go in the corner and act like you are talking to someone you think is cool. Practice moving your arms in a way so that you can hit the button and make it beep, without anyone seeing it. Also practice your sayings should your beeper go off. Here are a few cool ones you can try:
    “Man, wonder what my bitch wants now.”
    “I’ll talk wit ya in a sec, gotta call my nigga.”
    “Another deal?”
    “Shit, Tyrone can wait.”
  2. Now get a mobile phone. All cool people have mobile phones. Of course, since you will barely use it, don’t get the service with it. Just make sure the lights can light up. While walking around, especially in malls, hold it up and pretend you are actually talking to someone, so you look important. If someone should ask to use your phone in an emergency, just reply “Sorry, my batteries are dead.”
  3. Jewelry. All cool people have pretty jewelry. Go to Spencer’s and look for a nice big gold chain. If it has a ‘$’ symbol on it, that is all the better. If it is just a plain chain, then go ahead and get it. Wear it at all times now, and if someone should ask, it is 14 karat gold.
  4. Clothes. All cool people wear name brand, expensive clothes. I would recommend any name brand that costs more than 35 dollars an item, like Guess or Boss. When you wear get your pants, make sure you buy 2-8 sizes too large, so that they sit on your hips, and sag in back. When it comes to shoes, you need to look around and try to figure out who is the basketball player of the month. Usually some rookie that comes in the NBA and does really good, then you never hear about them anymore. Anyway, buy whatever shoe they sponsor. Jacket.
    This is the tough part. You have several choices when it comes to your jacket. You can play it safe, and buy a popular team jacket. Something like the Bulls, Raiders, etc. Just as long as the team is really popular. If that isn’t your liking, then you may wish to get a jacket with a lesser known team, and try to be original. Be careful! Someone might ask you a question about the team, so you have to know the starting line up, etc. If you actually have money, you may wish to buy a leather jacket. This is always popular, and shows everyone else that you have money. To the intelligent people this shows you found it on sale, and used lay away.
  5. Cash. All cool people have a big ole wad of cash. When you pull it out to pay for something, you have to be able to thumb through two large bills, a few smaller, and finally some ones. Save up though! I recommend this line up: 100, 50, 20, 20, 10, 10, 5, and as many ones as you can scrape together. Using this order, and amount, it shows you are really cool! Of course, a little less than that won’t hurt, but make sure you have the ones to make it look good. I know it doesn’t look good, but everyone with a wad of cash does it, so you need to learn how to do it to. When you enter a store, clothing especially, you have to be an asshole to the salesman. If you actually plan on buying something from the store, take it to the register, put it on the counter, with one hand pull out your impressive wad of cash, and wait for the total. After the salesman tells you how much it will be, act disgusted, and say something like “Fuck dat! You gotta knock some bones off that for a brother!” or some other phrase that shows you are special and deserve a discount that employees don’t even get.
  6. Weapon. All cool people have a weapon. You have three basic choices now. First, you can tell everyone that you know some martial art. This can be very effective if you can do a small imitation of the Karate Kid or something. Second, you may wanna carry a knife. Watch out though, if you decide on a butterfly knife, it will take some practice working with it, so that when you take it out, you look like you know what you are doing. Third, you can carry a gun. Remember, it takes no prior experience to pull a trigger. Just get a 22, a 9mm, or some other gun that can be concealed. Carrying a concealed gun into public places is probably the coolest thing you can do.

Now that wasn’t so hard was it? Now take everything you have bought, and wear it all at once, and strut down the mall or some other place. When others dressed exactly like you pass, you can nod, and say “that person is cool!” and have the warm feeling that they said the same thing too!

Be careful though, a lot of people are gonna call you names even when you aren’t looking. Words like ‘Nigga’, ‘Wigger’, ‘Wannabe’, and ‘Gangbanger’ might be heard, but don’t worry! That is just other people’s way of calling you cool!

Hope all this helps YOU become cool. If you have any questions, or need advice on how to be cool, just look for someone described above, and go up to them and say “How can I be cool like you?” and they should be able to help out.