#284: Dialogue of Eyes

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]


Typical 50’s diner, upbeat staff, lazy Sunday afternoon. John and I are sitting there with drinks only, lunch a few hours in our past. He is learning Russian in between sips of lemonade, trying to keep an eye on the room. No more lemonade, only water and 62 pages left in the Russian picture book.

Here I sit with a whirlwind in my mind and a feeling of uneasiness all about. Twenty four hours of history behind the trepidation, a full day that doesn’t need to be spoken of. I fancy myself somewhat of a casual writer but I can’t write what’s on my mind, let alone sift through the disorder of my mind. We all know what’s up, just a matter of us breaking through the fear and admitting the obvious. Mostly because our subconscious hides our true desire.

She is catching me staring at her more than I am catching her returning the favor. I say favor because of the mutual interest that is readily apparent. Why her? Last night I was sipping my diet coke when I couldn’t stop myself from drawing a comparison. Her facial features are that of the women in Michael Parkes artwork. His work is slightly exaggerated as most art is. She has those features and they speak volumes in a sense. Despite the appearance of youth, the look tries to conceal a subtle wisdom that derives the naivete’ inherent in age.

It’s always dangerous making snap judgements about the intelligence or wisdom of someone. If you expect one thing and find another, you typically hold it against the person even though it is your own build up that caused the disappointment. She is avoiding that routine by having one of her co-workers check me out, talk to me, size me up, and if needed, rake me over the coals. I don’t have that option. Even a casual inquiry will get back to her faster than I get the answer. Why is it so awkward to start a conversation? Or a relationship for that matter?

Been thinking recently, of just about everything under the moon. I have my castle, my son, my hobby, my library, my army. Translated: my apartment, my cat, my computers, my books, my friends. The only thing I need or want is a queen to share my wealth. Nothing serious really, just someone that actually cares, can show a slice of understanding, and someone that simply enjoys my company.

Of course, you will never see the real file, as it is handwritten on a yellow pad. The black ink barely forming words because of the general sloppiness of my handwriting. Part of it because I only type any more and never have a chance to write. The other lending factor is my nervousness. I can’t express my desire for us to meet.

Maybe another day…

#273: They Don’t Know Better

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]


I met a girl today. Less than 36 hours later I wanted to kill just about every male in her home town. When I say I want to kill these people, it is more than an idle threat. If she asked me to, I would. There is no doubt in my mind that I could, and would, do it.

So what would drive me to that level of hatred and anger, that desire to rid the world of human lives. That action that could get me a lifetime in jail, or death to myself. Three seconds of gunfire in return for years of drawn out legal battles followed by life in a ten by ten square room.

I know I have harped on this to my friends and girlfriends in the past. They are probably tired of me showing my hatred toward this one thing, but deal with it. There are too many in our society, all hurting us every day. I know I have been vague enough so you probably can’t guess exactly what it is, but I can assure you, you have most likely run into it in the past.

Degenerate abusive guys who don’t have the first clue about treating others, especially girls. I’m not talking about the inconsiderate guys who don’t pay attention to their girlfriends/fiancés/wives. I am talking about the most severe kind of loser who mentally and physically abuses their significant other for whatever reason they have convinced themselves of. Until recently I thought it was a fairly rare case that this happened, but the more days that go by, and the more girls I meet, the more I question that number. Based off what I have seen in the past few days, there are entire towns with over twenty thousand losers like this.

So I’m out of state with a friend, visiting some of her old friends from her home town. Some of her friends are really good people and very down to earth. They have no false facades, no fronts to put up for me or anyone else. They are very modest, truthful, and all victims of past abusive relationships. My new femme friend is a rare individual. I think it is a combination of her strong will, sense of individuality, and desire to do what she sees right. There is only one problem I can find in her.. her ex-boyfriends.

The second day I was there she awoke to find all four tires of her car flat. Apparently, while we were at a bar the night before, one of her ex’s didn’t like the fact she was with me (or any other male). His way of showing his continuing love to her was to pop her tires. This is also not the first time he has gone out of his way to piss her off.

I don’t know the circumstances behind everything, but one ex held a gun to her head, others have physically abused her, one tried to rape her, one has taken thousands of dollars from her in cash and furniture, and more. What bothers me the most about all of this is her reaction to these events. They have become so common in her life, that she thinks it it is a normal occurrence. From what I have heard from her and others, every female in this backwards town expects some form of abuse or another during their relationships.

Beyond being completely fucked up, it gets more baffling believe it or not. Now that she has a non abusive friend (who also has a job, knows how to clean, is halfway nice, etc.), she is actually having a very hard time coping with it. She is honestly intimidated and scared by our potential relationship. Why? Because I am not the fucked up, backwards ass, loser, degenerate abusive boyfriend she is used to. What the fuck..

So I am in a town where this is common, and accepted. I look around at the place and consider the population (36800 or so) and think to myself. Is this just one town out of thousands with this problem? Or do many midwestern towns about this size suffer the same thing? If not, then a full scale surgical military strike on this town is fully warranted. If so, then I think we have a new national crisis to deal with. Consider the amount of towns out there like this, multiply to find the total loser count, and I think you would be quite alarmed.

After meeting a few guys that fall into the above category, I truly wonder what makes a girl fall for scum like that. I also wonder why girls let these guys get away with half of the shit they do. Most of the guys I met have nothing going for them except this macho bravado they throw around like the presidency. I do understand getting trapped in a relationship if you are in love, and I do understand it can be hard to leave because of problems in fear of retribution. I don’t understand how it can happen over and over like clockwork.

Back to the big guns in loser’s faces. What else do they deserve? Certainly no sympathy or understanding. The only thing I can think fitting for this situation is death or removal of the ability to function in society. Why do they deserve it? Because of the basic lack of understanding, respect, sympathy, compassion, morals, ethics, and everything else that should be considered when dealing with other people. To consistently treat all girls (or guys as they case may be) like shit for any reason is wrong. It is along the same lines as racism, the global hatred or dislike based on one feature of a person.

Now you may be thinking “chill out dis, this is one girl, one town, one incident.” Wrong. I have seen this in several small towns myself, and have talked to dozens of females from others that have told me the same thing. That makes me think it is a nationwide problem; a problem that can’t be solved in this generation. That level of a problem can not be de-programmed from an individual because of the way we are. Certain fundamental beliefs that are developed from society and parental influence can only be masked, suppressed, and sometimes altered on the surface. Rather than remove the bad beliefs, they can only be slightly changed at best.

The next step is to hit the next generation at a young age, and make sure they aren’t brought up with the same contempt based on a single feature like skin color, age, nationality, etc. The problem there lies in the locality. These people are brought up in small towns often led by community officials with the same values. They are taught by educators with the same beliefs. In order to change a younger generation, it would require an unpolluted environment in which to work. Not going to happen.

That puts us back to square one. A big problem that has no easy solution. Much like other problems in today’s society, there seems to be little that can be done. I guess what really bothers me is the common sense or fundamental lack of respect involved with this. I honestly thought it was human nature that kept people in check. I thought that hurting someone like that would make one develop a level of guilt that would make them seriously reconsider their actions, and possibly stop them from doing the same thing.

I guess I am different. Maybe that is one thing that bonds me to my friends and makes me appreciate them so much. Maybe that is also why I seem to be drawn to the type of girl that isn’t used to being treated right. I wish I could show every single girl in an abusive relationship that things can be better, and that I know hundreds of guys who know how to treat women.

In some cases, I think they simply don’t know better.