#315: Convoluted Rants

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

Date: 1:11 am Sat Aug 31, 1996

posted less than two hours ago but my mind is screaming.

i find it ever so amazing how much goes through your mind while you are driving. tonight’s music, Tori again. this was different though, in a way that surprised me. i don’t have a good stereo in the car, only at home, but as i played the tape, i found myself almost jumping as if someone had startled me each time the bass resounded.

“Looking for a savior, in these dirty streets”

one passage caught my mind this time. since i was a block from the apartment, I shut the stereo off after that one sentence. i think everyone is well acquainted with my views on religion and my contempt for Christianity among other religions. after that sentence, i wondered to myself if there was a savior out there… someone that could truly understand me. i think that is the only way i would be saved by any means.. save me from my own mind. i sin. all my friends know it, hell, everyone knows it. if anyone makes a big deal out of it they are naïve. everyone sins.

i admit it. i have no problem with the morals. i take full responsibility for my actions and don’t attempt to blame them on others. i do however blame my reasons for other’s actions.

i am a slave to my pager and cellphone. anyone can reach me at any time. its to the point if i don’t call someone back within three or four minutes, they take it personal, or question what i was doing. where do they get the impression they are that important? i have been giving my time and attention for a year like that, always answering the page, always calling back. there are some people i know that answer less than 10% of my pages for various reasons. that same person thinks i wish them dead if i don’t return their page in one minute flat.

i think tomorrow i will turn my pager off, turn the cell off, and keep myself connected to the net all day. or unplug all the phones. maybe take a bottle of something and wonder down to the creek and just sit there. think about it, and how nice it would be… to do nothing. to sit there, breathe the fresh air, look at the stream flowing, drowning yourself in a bottle. no one can reach you unless they take the time to find you. sounds like a plan.

of course, i have other plans to work that one around. return computer parts in the morning, install linux, movie late tomorrow night.

i want no obligations in life as far as friends go. i want unconditional friends that will put up with me. some of my friends have done that for the past six months. now, i want them to put up with me for my actions, not me responding to someone else’s desires.

thinking back to my previous posts, i should probably extract them as some form of diary. some log of my sorrow, confusion, happiness, and anger. anything to remind me that i am alive.

big things are happening in the future. really neat stuff. when it surfaces i will talk about it, but can’t until then. they say money burns holes in your pocket. wonder how secrets would compare.. they burn a hole in your soul i think. something much deeper and more primitive.

“and the pain lingers on”

The Wall, watching the movie right now. i watch it at least every 6 months now. its to the point i am comfortable with the movie and music. i grew up listening to it, watching it, reading it. it brings back faded half visions of memory. “goodbye blue sky” is a good representation of where i am heading i think. if work and stress doesn’t consume me, my inner turmoil will.

its nice to vent like this, but i don’t want to give the impression that I am looking for anything. i don’t want help. i certainly don’t want sympathy, and the last thing i want to do is give guilt to anyone. even if i were to give guilt, they wouldn’t be reading this.

so what do i want. something grand. something that strikes out and makes people understand. i want everyone to understand something though, not just a handful. don’t even know what i want them to understand, just that I do want them to understand. who knows, maybe i will be the prophet i seek. i doubt it though, just takes too much and i don’t know if i have that to give right now.

chaos is certainly neat.



Date: 2:26 am Sun Aug 25, 1996

my night. my fuckin night. or my morning given the time.

there are days that just scream out at you that life sucks and things are never destined to go right.

destiny hates me.

hurt is common in my life now. its like a shirt though, wear it, everyone sees it, but no one says anything because they see it so much.

either sleep or rage is taking over my mind. i want to sleep for a day or kill someone right now. both would be kinda enjoyable i guess. sleep will win again i bet.. when sleep fights with something else, it wins because i don’t have energy to do the other.



Date: unknown

Now, I can do that. Near my apartment is a nature preserve, with a nice slow moving stream going through it. The way it sits down in some trees in a grove gives you a near perfect escape (i.e.: can’t see anything manmade). You can hear cars, see a few lights, etc., but it is so damn nice. I go down there sometimes and just wade in the cold water.

Unfortunately, long ago I spent time with a really good friend (femme of course), and we never really dated, but we knew each other real well… and I spent time with her there. So, I kinda have regrets going down there because I kinda miss having someone to talk to and confess my sins to. (yes, i’m a sinner).


Date: 1:28 am Thu Aug 29, 1996

secrets are cool. until you have no one to share them with. then they eat you up. they consume you. they burn you from the inside. i hate being the keeper of secrets sometimes. i use to be the one to confess your sins to. now, most don’t, but old stuff still haunts me.

setec astronomy


Date: 12:55 am Sat Aug 31, 1996

why do ex-friends think they can run my life? why do they even have the audacity to even fucking try to do so? don’t they understand it is easier to shoot them than talk to them?

hey you.. all alone sitting cold, can you hear me?


Date: unknown

guilt is for amateurs

#301: zen – me – zine

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

A little over four years ago I don’t know if I really believed this magazine would make it this far. I did have the hope and desire for it to go a long way. The people I talked to about where it might go all showed doubt or skepticism. This file is for them.

Many things have happened over the last year or so that have directly influenced the zine, the writers, and myself. I guess that probably doesn’t need to be said since that is the case for just about everything. My inclination says that most of the writers for this zine have very dynamic lives compared to the average person.

Looking back at how I used to be compared to how I was a few years ago shows me the difference between white and black. Literally and figuratively. I notice a pattern with my life though, and I can predict the future to a certain degree as far as my being is concerned. As many people have said before, things move in circles. I personally like it the way Tommy Lee Jones said it in Under Siege. “A revolution gets it’s name by always coming back around in your face.” And I feel that is the case with me. After consideration of more worldly experiences and engaging in more “social situations”, I see myself returning to the old me.

What does that mean? Nothing and everything. It probably means nothing to you if you don’t know me. For those who do, it means little or nothing as the case may be. Means everything in the world to me of course. The older more bitter me. The me full of angst and loathing for the world I live in. The more mistrusting and calculating me. The cruel and potentially evil me. But with a twist…

It used to be me sharing my anger with everyone, friends and family included. Now, I foresee a more refined and passionate anger. Such that my friends will still see my generosity while my acquaintances will see a level of distance and aloofness. I question which side of me is my true nature though. Part of says being distant is my true nature because of the sheer amount of years that I went like that. Part of me says my generosity is my true nature because I usually feel better when I am able to help my friends and give them whatever they need. I think it will be years down the road before I can ever answer that question.

Voyager got me a shirt a few months back that says “Fuck You, I have enough friends.” I can’t help but wonder if he saw the turmoil I am going through, or maybe even saw the end result of my own questioning. Maybe it was pure coincidence and he thought it was funny. Now, I certainly agree with what it says. Part of me now wants to distance myself from more of my friends while seeking out old friends I have lost contact with. I don’t know what to do. That is real funny considering all my friends seem to think they know what’s up.

Every once in a while friend A will say “friend B is walking all over you”, while friend B is saying “friend C is walking all over you“. Days later friend C is telling me how bad friend A is. Seems none of them ever realize how they may be acting toward me. If I were to go strictly on input from my friends, I would have none. I think to a certain degree each and every one of them is right. Thinking along those lines I begin to wonder about the nature of people, especially those I call ‘friend’. One thing it has recently reminded me of is an old story about the nature of things.

An otter was sitting beside a stream enjoying himself when a scorpion walked up to him. The scorpion said "I must get to the other side of the stream but I can't swim". The otter looked at the scorpion and said "I'm sorry, I can't help you." The scorpion thought about it for a minute and said "Wait, I can ride on your back and you can swim across." The otter considered it for a moment before saying "But you would sting me and I would drown!" The scorpion thought on this for a moment and replied "But I have to get across the stream, its very important. I promise I won't sting you." The otter looked at him with trepidation and then agreed. He got in the water and let the scorpion climb on his back before starting to swim. Half way across the stream the scorpion stung the otter on the back. "Why did you do that?! Now we will both drown!" yelled the otter. The scorpion thought about it for a few seconds as they both started sinking; "I don't know, I guess it's in my nature."

I do place faith in stories like this one because they are so often true. But I can’t figure out if human nature is that cut and dry. Is it my nature to continually give to my friends without praise? Is it in their nature to continually take from me without thanks? If so, should I even consider them friend?

I have buried myself into a deep dark pit. I won’t go into details about all of it, but needless to say I am no longer in a position to help my friends in the same way I once used to. The truth will emerge in the weeks to come though. When I cut off the support and help they are accustomed to, will they be there? More importantly, will they be there for me when I am in need of the same type of help? Don’t take this wrong friends, but I seriously doubt it. And that is based off past trends, nothing else.

As time passes, I find myself missing more of my personal philosophy. I remember years ago promising never to get drunk, to be a social drinker only. I remember promising never to get in a serious relationship, to only date casually. I remember promising myself a ton of other things, but failed at that. So I think back to my philosophical side and wonder how I let it all slip away. I know I haven’t read a lot of my books or thought about that kind of stuff much, but has it really abandoned me? Or maybe I have suppressed it for one reason or another. I think that is something I need to find out, to help me answer that and a world of other questions.

So I guess that’s it. The zine will keep going, things will progress. As always, the future is uncertain to a certain degree. In the mean time, hold onto nothing as fast as you can.