Poetry #15: (untitled)

[This was originally published in F.U.C.K. poetry Issue #15. The publish date is approximate.]

        Two like souls dance in this shallow world.
           the ability to judge.
        Nightly outpour of some strand of me.
        Pulled taut between self realization and angst.
           But not the angst you now..
           He lies down the road around
           the corner behind the store.
        My angst is different.
        One day I might even get introduced to who he really is.
        Mortals may ponder and deem it worthy..
           of a new name.
                I care not.

Poetry #14: White Anger

[This was originally published in F.U.C.K. poetry Issue #14. The date is approximate.]

You are the winter of my life.
Cold and grey you make me seek warmth.
No hope of compassion or caring.
Silently you tear my heart out.
The hope of spring rain gone.
Summer heat a long lost fantasy…
Fall, a teaser to the pain you sing.
My physical reaction to your material being
It’s a parallel to the hell you bring.
Please.. Let me flee…

#485: In Case You Blinked…

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

Last night I walked out of my computer room and noticed three police cars sitting outside in the road. All three cars managed to drive up in front of my building, no lights, no sirens, and all the officers were out of sight before I even knew what was happening. Twenty minutes later the three officers walked from around the building, got in their cars and drove off. To this day I still have no clue what they were doing.


Are you tuned in to what’s going on around you? Do you know what happened in your neighborhood last night? Probably not.. which leads me to believe you don’t really have a clue about state/nation/world events. How many sources of news do you go to in the course of a day?

Lets look at how much really happens around our blind lives. These are the headlines for “crimes and catastrophes” from a SINGLE source of news on the Internet. Imagine if I were to watch TV or read the newspaper.. or mix in other headlines I got during these two weeks.

Wednesday, October 08, 1997 -> Wednesday, October 22, 1997

Imagine… this in the span of two weeks. Odds are you heard about 5% of this material, IF that. Think about what else is happening in your world…

Wednesday, October 08, 1997

  • Six charged in Mississippi high school shooting
  • At least two dead in light plane collision
  • Ex-POW says he killed terrorized family
  • Israel remands U.S. teen murder suspect
  • Georgian pleads guilty in fatal U.S. car crash
  • Jury slaps Chrysler with $262.5 million in damages

Thursday, October 09, 1997

  • Two killed as car hits pedestrians in Chicago
  • Killer who castrated victim executed in Texas
  • Road rage’ bicyclist shoots driver dead
  • Train hits stalled truck, 12 injured
  • 11-year-old boy leads police in 110 mph chase

Friday, October 10, 1997

  • Two arrested for smuggling ancient Peruvian gold piece
  • Jury awards $1 million in Eddie Bauer case
  • No survivors expected in Colo. plane wreck
  • Ex-FBI official imprisoned in Ruby Ridge case
  • Shakeup in team probing JonBenet murder
  • Starr report sheds new light on Foster depression
  • Big Tobacco settles landmark secondhand smoke case
  • U.S. letter campaign urges no asylum for Sayegh
  • Seven nabbed in Miami in $100 million fake bond scam
  • Newborn tossed over fence, found alive
  • British nanny accused of murder cries in court
  • Testimony ends in N.Y. civil suit filed vs. Mike Tyson

Monday, October 13, 1997

  • Single-engine-plane crash in New Jersey kills four
  • Colorado prepares for first execution in 30 years
  • Two boys drown in Texas floods
  • Suspect held in Indiana football game shootings
  • Prison guard suspected of being ‘bomb’ bandit
  • Puerto Rican jail riot ends after negotiations
  • Clinton exam refutes sex-case claim – report
  • Big Tobacco denies seeking settlement in Texas
  • Flight attendants case to spur more tobacco settlements
  • More jurors join pool in Oklahoma bombing trial
  • Judge refuses to delay nuclear-powered launch
  • Atlanta standoff ends after fatal police shooting
  • Fire in Gary, Ind. called suspicious
  • Freighter grounded on Miami Beach
  • More U.S. defendants take stand in own defense

Tuesday, October 14, 1997

  • Jones’ mother gives deposition in Clinton sex case
  • Colorado executes first prisoner in 30 years
  • Alaska police seek missing Norwegian hiker
  • Suspect’s apartment combed for Olympic bomb clues
  • Fugitive U.S. judge arrested in Mexico

Wednesday, October 15, 1997

  • California wind-driven wildfire spreads
  • Dow Chemical named in nationwide implant suit
  • Flight attendant intervenes in secondhand smoke suit
  • Lawyer criticizes prosecutors in Cosby case
  • Officials sift through fragments from Denver plane
  • Car thief caused accident from blocks away
  • Swiss jumbo dived to avoid plane – newspaper report
  • Patients’ revenge: fake dentist lands in jail
  • CIA shooting suspect to mount insanity defense
  • Green awarded $45,000 for Tyson lawsuit
  • Baby’s mother weeps at British nanny trial
  • Air traffic controllers felled, N.Y. airports snarled
  • N.Y. head of NAACP pleads guilty on larceny charge
  • Dive equipment firm recalls 1,200 computers
  • Motion seen little peril to Miami tobacco settlement

Thursday, October 16, 1997

  • On-site investigation of John Denver crash ends
  • Child kidnapped, assaulted at Florida crack den
  • Judge orders release of record number of tobacco papers
  • World Trade Center blast defendant says he was duped
  • Man sentenced for killing wife over Internet fling
  • Parents neglected Russian girls, judge rules
  • FBI says 8 arrested in military weapons case
  • N.C. driving teacher quits amid ‘road rage’ flap
  • Calif. police contacted by Boulder on Ramsey case
  • Seventh tropical storm of season forms in Atlantic
  • UAE plane makes emergency landing in New York
  • Accused N.Y. officer requests trial venue change
  • Mother says unaware of baby’s wrist fracture
  • U.S. jet fighter crashes in Ohio field near roads
  • Colombian says cartel bought visas from U.S. Embassy
  • U.S. woman pilot wins sex harassment suit

Friday, October 17, 1997

  • Baby’s father cries as he recalls holding dying son
  • Texas’ tobacco lawsuit postponed as judge falls ill
  • U.S. Treasury building cleared, package probed
  • Four U.S. teens die in game prank
  • Miami baseball fan killed in sign stunt
  • Israeli court orders U.S. teen held 10 more days
  • U.S. may bar Russian carrier’s landing rights
  • Girl who never went to school starts classes
  • Yale says confident will win dorm flap lawsuit
  • Reynolds witness says smoking dangers clear for a century
  • U.S. baby’s fatal injuries said weeks old
  • Suspicious package at U.S. Treasury held computer parts

Monday, October 20, 1997

  • Norwegian hiker emerges from Alaska wilderness
  • Six killed in Texas car crash
  • L.A. cop commits suicide after hit-and-run
  • Man and cocaine found floating off Florida
  • Police wait chance to nab woman in standoff
  • Judge dismisses Pa. class-action tobacco suit
  • Israel says teenage suspect can be extradited
  • Libya asking Pan Am 103 families to settle
  • Sheinbein considered Maryland fugitive – attorney
  • Limo driver in Red Wings crash pleads guilty
  • Youth wounded in Civil War battle re-enactment
  • Medical expert in nanny trial says injuries old
  • N.Y. state car rental companies accused of age bias
  • High Court denies abortion appeal
  • Supreme Court rejects Texas sentencing appeal
  • New York sets up hotline for inmate information
  • No verdict yet in major Colombian drugs case
  • Internet Romeo’ sentenced to five years in prison

Tuesday, October 21, 1997

  • Catholic Church calls for end to Texas executions
  • Florida Supreme Court clears use of electric chair
  • Guilty plea entered in $10 million stolen art case
  • Haitian accuses New York police of pistol whipping him
  • Saudi bombing suspect to face U.S. immigration case
  • U.S court date pending in unusual kidney theft case
  • Homicide investigated on Tennessee campus
  • Azerbaijan lawyer to fight art theft charges
  • British nanny said not responsible for baby’s death
  • Jury told to try again in big Colombia drug case
  • Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble settle lawsuit
  • E.coli ruled out after 100 Kansas kids fall ill
  • Train kills two children; police detain mother
  • American dies following St. Lucia boat tragedy

Wednesday, October 22, 1997

  • Missouri ignores pleas, executes convicted hit man
  • Third defense witness says nanny didn’t kill baby
  • Mother who burned daughter sent to prison in New York
  • Two N.Y. mob defendants guilty in carting case
  • U.S. charges former Calif. bank workers with embezzlement
  • Judge raps Miami tourist gang for courtroom riot
  • Man kills girl at school, then shoots self
  • Chair leg, bullet fly in Fla. ‘road rage’ case
  • Firefighter dies after blaze sets off rifle
  • Bizarre ritual, gunshots at Miami funeral home
  • Compaq testimony says Microsoft threatened it
  • Tycoon’s family feud goes to trial; empire at stake
  • British au pair’s mother says daughter cared

Imagine what else happened that didn’t make news. Important people dying, natural disasters in countries that don’t share their news, or such violent crimes that they don’t make the news. Every day more stuff happens, and we slip right by.

#481: Back to the Basics

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

(written for the 5th anniversary)

First off, fuck you. Since I know I mean that for more people than I don’t, why not say it. For those who have been reading the ‘zine for a while and not giving me feedback, fuck you. Gradual changes suck for those closely involved because we don’t see the end results for what they are. Did you know I almost killed the ‘zine? Probably not. Instead, it will go on with help from one or two editors. For the authors that means faster response time probably. It also means more strict guidelines for what is accepted. Seems a lot of files recently lack that little fire in them. That extra bit of angst to lend to your point.

What happened to it? Fuck if I care, back to the basics. We aren’t going to pull a corporate clusterfuck and analyze this to death, nor look to change structure, or any of that crap. Old school business: stick to what works. So here we are. And just to avoid an argument about who is to blame, it’s all my fault. No other. I let this degrade into half hearted rants with no fire in them. Why? Because life has become quite serene for me. The other day some really fucked up shit happened to me. I can’t begin to explain, but suffice it to say, I’m pissed.

You hold a concept, idea, philosophy or whatever else close to you. You believe in it without hesitation and without question, knowing it is the “right thing”. One day it all comes crashing down around you though. Slaps you once and says “sorry, life isn’t that fair.” Fucks with you, then leaves again, letting you become serene again. Just what people like me need. As for what sparked this, don’t ask. I will write about it somewhere down the road probably.

Cause and effect can be so silly. How does a single minute possess the ability to fuck with 20 years of your life? Incredible that it can. More incredible is that there are more than three people still left in this world because of it. The one thing that makes that possible is morals and ethics, which lead to laws that set up that cause/effect relationship. Worse, those laws are not fair by any means. Why does it always happen that if I sneeze on the wrong side of the road I will get caught, ticketed, and fined, while deranged crackwhores lead 2 year slander campaigns against me, a club bouncer puts me in a choke hold for asking him to move his truck, and inept hacker wannabes borrow a login from their friend and try to hack my server for a week, but go unpunished? Why doesn’t the law ever work FOR me since I pay for it and the accompanying enforcement?

I miss the old days of… everything. Sometimes. At one point I thought “I need no friends. Solitude is the answer.” Then it was “I miss my friends.” Now, I think it is “I want a new set of ‘old’ friends.” Maybe I just need to get laid. Fuck if I know anymore. Days pass where I can’t put my feelings into words at all. I sit there pondering my mood, not even diving into WHY I might be in that mood. My list of projects grows immense as I wallow in this slump. No desire or driving force to be creative or productive most of the time.

I ponder occasional trivial points like if I am ‘alone’ or ‘lonely’. Does it really matter? There is an obvious gap in my life. Does this qualify as overanalyzing the problem? I seek escape in movies, music, and dancing. I really do try to be social and talk to people. In the spare time I find myself writing or wanting to at least. Like always, I ponder if writing is worth it sometimes. It is rare that I go back and read things of my own. Feedback (or lack thereof) is rare suggesting my message isn’t going anywhere.

Back to the basics. Know one thing, everyone has a fight. A cause. An agenda. Some are open about it, others aren’t. That said…

One reason the ‘zine isn’t dying is because Capone is going to take over some of the editing duties. Continue to send any submissions to jericho@dimensional.com and one of us will get to it. Be warned though, we are going back to the basics. Higher quality, more focus.. the rants of old. We’ll continue to take fiction and other material, just make sure the point is there. I will continue doing the Poetry Venture as well. If you don’t know what that is, it is an all poetry mag’ I am editing now.

Poetry #13: the need to feel

[This was originally published in F.U.C.K. poetry Issue #13. The publish date is approximate. Originally written December 18, 1997]

    Curious insomnia keeping me from rest
    lyrical poems pour forth from another room

    verbal bondage. strong baseline. precarious angel.
      descend you godless bitch. take me now.
      wrap me in your wings and lift me from
      this mortality. Take me to your master.
    When it is over I will remove the hndcuffs
      and blindfold, before cleaning the fresh
      whip marks.
    Your job is done angel.

    Truth or dare. Shut up and lie.