Box of Shit: Part 4

At some point around 2008 I put together a box with a bunch of random shit laying around. Nothing of value, all stuff you question why you even kept it in the first place basically. Off it went to an unsuspecting victim/friend. From there, the box-of-shit was born. Since then, I have sent out hundreds of boxes or envelopes of shit. On occasion, people document what they receive with comedic flair. This is one of the boxes I received and wrote about. This was originally published on attrition.org.


attrition.org is a small collective of “security professionals” (using that term loosely) because really, we’re not about to give up our day job salaries to work in a music store like we truly want. Over the years, we’ve gone from a solid 25 people to a mere handful that login and actually do anything. We have a few celebrity accounts on here like comegaapacid and nosuchuser. That means that every minute we avoid producing real content for the web site, we’re surfing porndownloading music/movies illegally or sending each other boxes of shit.

Years back, I sent Lyger a box of shit. He wasn’t expecting it, he didn’t want it, he still curses my name to this day. Of course, I quickly sent him another a few months later given the overwhelming positive response. That lead me to sending d2d one and sending a third box to Lyger. I also got blindsided by apacid when he sent me a box. Lyger hasn’t talked to me in four months, but I chalk that up to him being busy volunteering in his local brothel. Actually, d2d hasn’t mailed me in ages either, but he said something about managing a white slavery ring and four jobs while working on osvdb.org and datalossdb.org. Who knows, anyway!

Imagine my shock last week, when I got a mysterious box from d2d. I took it to the airport and gave TSA a fiver to x-ray it (they aren’t good for much else). Next, I threw it down a big hill, pushed it into I-25 traffic and then gave it to a bunch of kids to play with. Since it didn’t self-destruct, I pushed the kids down and took their new ‘toy’.

Sure, it doesn’t seem like much from the initial look. But stop a minute, consider who d2d is. Opening this box should have resulted in something.. anything.. that’s just who he is. He works magic on the web. “Check this out” usually means features that are beyond Web 4.0, do your dishes and give you a handjob. The fact I opened this box and didn’t have fireworks, strippers and senators kissing my ring says something. Sure, it looks harmless so far, but first impressions can be a tad misleading. If the content wasn’t intended to reach out and touch a direct relative, then the items must mean something important. If I take the time to read, decipher and understand his sekret message, then I would surely know what makes him tick, and why that chick hangs out with him and not me.. right?!

Opening the box, I see we have a wide variety of shit. Black bags, cock rings, bottle caps and Pokémon trading cards at first glance. This promises to be a world of fun for me, but a bit tamed down from the usual. If a box-of-shit doesn’t contain something that pops out, insults my mother and defiles my living room, it isn’t properly done. If you look closer, and use your imagination though, perhaps this begins to show signs of meeting attrition standards. I believe this is concrete evidence of d2d’s “creepy man with candy at playground” side. The black pipe is for his legendary ‘penis bending’ exercise, designed to strengthen his unit. I’ve heard he puts the baby bib around it and feeds his own penis apple sauce frequently. One small black bag contained enough roofies to last him three trips to a club (or one long evening). The second I haven’t opened because it is still moving on its own. As for the rest…

  1. Glue sticks from his “Arts and Crafts” kit, because not all kids are lured in with G.I. Joe’s kung-fu grip.
  2. He is clever. He gives you these handcuff keys, which only work on knock-off cuffs from Spencer’s. Then he proceeds to use a pair of Smith & Wesson cuffs on you.
  3. Cork from a wine bottle; the wine of course used for d2d’s “religious ceremony” in which he plays a zombie jew named Jesus. Doubles as a moderate butt plug.
  4. d2d is so gangsta, bitch. best be steppin yo! (He mailed this so TSA wouldn’t confiscate it again)
  5. Patent pending “Tactical Redneck Condom”, doubles as a belt holder for your sunflower seeds or coon tail.
  6. He obviously doesn’t need this, not like any of his toys are less than ‘D’ battery enabled.
  7. I don’t think I want to guess what this fell off, or what piece of machinery will unexpectedly fall apart when he least expects it. I do wish I had it on beta-max whenever it happens though.
  8. This has to be the most comfortable looking cock ring I’ve seen in weeks.
  9. “Here you go little one, follow the nice doggie!” d2d isn’t creepy at all.
  10. Safety from accidental electrocution is important. All electricity that he uses comes from his taser, delivered directly to your scrotum (or his frequently).
  11. Pine scented butt plug. Notice a trend in his items?
  12. Tokens for different arcade games at Chuck-e-cheese. You would not believe how fast you can get someone off the playground into a dark room with video games. Works on me instantly.
  13. His old ‘pinkie ring’ that he made his ‘church goers’ kiss during his ‘service’. Like the Catholic church, he says “no kinky sex”. But kiss his ring like you do the Pope.
  14. Ghetto roach clip for his teenaged prey, or a nipple clamp for himself.
  15. Smirnoff Ice caps (regular and raspberry?), a favorite to get his prey boozed up.
  16. The top part of a sippy cup, to better hide the tainted Kool-Aid before you pass out in peaceful slumber zzzz…
  17. This bottle cap came from a 1.5ltr bottle of Vodka that cost $4.99.
  18. d2d’s business card to give legitimacy to his pick-up lines in bars. “I developed Pac-Man..”

All things considered, we like d2d. By ‘like’, I mean fear him as you would a new prison cellmate named BeAsTeH. This ‘creep in a box’ was a stark reminder that his time as a free man is probably limited and that it is overdue for me to move again.

What is it like…

[06-11 04:18] friend: so what is it like to be jericho?

Seems a simple question, but I’d be curious to see what anyone else replies with if asked the same question. the answer will greatly vary from month to month, more so year to year I bet.

Many years ago, while watching The Thomas Crown Affair, a particular line caught my attention. Catherine Banning (Rene Russo) tells Thomas Crown (Peirce Brosnan) “you live very well” to which he replies “thank you”. While I am never going to be as wealthy as Crown is portrayed in that movie, the line stuck with me as much as the response. I’ve strived for years to get to a place in life where I am happy and comfortable, and live well by my standards. A place where I can answer that question with “I live well” or “Comfortably“. Doesn’t matter if anyone else sees it that way.

Many aspects of my life most people would see as foreign, disagree with or consider a sign of ‘problems’. In many cases, sure. In mine, not at all. I spend most of my time in my home, alone, except for 2 cats and 6 guinea pigs. I don’t like hanging out with big groups of people. Most of my friends do not live in this state, and we talk daily via IM or e-mail. I see my parents every week or two for dinner; get along great with mom, get into frequent social/political debates (read: heated arguments) with my step-dad. Social with, but not particularly close with, my biological father. I venture out for food, groceries, pet supplies or occasionally because I want to.

I have a very small group of good friends who I seek contact with regularly. I’ve met them all at some point, but even virtually they are dear friends and i would do about anything for their well being. When life is good for me, it immediately trickles downhill to friends, family and special interests. Special interests mean the Denver Zoo, Denver Dumb Friend’s League, Cavy Care or other groups that seek to preserve. I live in a condo looking out onto Denver downtown. It is not luxurious by any definition, but it is ideally suited for me and has every luxury I want.

My pets are dear to me, they are my kids. Two boys, six girls currently. My two cats rule the house and do as they please. My six girls are treated as best as humanly possible, receiving as close to perfect care as guinea pigs can be provided. Expert vet care, fresh timothy hay, fresh vegetables daily, a large habitat and more. They are all more important to me than your negative opinion of them. Snide comments or insults toward them typically get rewarded in a verbal lashing and public humiliation. They are good and innocent, you most certainly are not.

I play online games, I work on osvdb.org / datalossdb.org / attrition.org, I work 40+ hours a week in the computer security realm. I am deeply connected with music and have an extensive playlist that probably has dozens (or hundreds) of artists you haven’t heard of. I enjoy movies and well written TV shows / series while I work. I truly enjoy my day job, have the best supervisor you could ask for, and a great CEO who truly appreciates the ‘one-off’ employees who may not fit the perfect corporate model, but bring a lot more to the table. To those types of managers, I am fiercely loyal to and will work as much as it takes to make them happy.

I believe in personal ethics, I fight against the industry I am a part of. I believe in honesty, at least to a degree that can fool the masses; meaning 99.9% of the world spews lies that are easily seen through. The industry believes that 99.9% of the time they should lie, hide behind ignorant standards, limp certifications or bullshit resumes. I cannot tolerate that, and I will not hold my tongue. If I reply to you in a public forum, odds are strong that you are part of the problem, not a solution. I will suffer hardship to stand for what I believe in. I will sever business / professional ties without second thought, if my friends or integrity should come first.

As normal as the above may sound, it isn’t. I know this based on just about every real-world person that has met me or gotten to know me. Many have said parts of the above, very few have lived up to it. The few that have, are the close friends I spoke of; the rest I have trouble remembering their names. The need of those few, certainly outweigh the need of the many (sheep of our society).

A Bad Month for Critters…

I lost Pringle mid-April, and lost Juineapig mid-May. This month, Nugget had a growth on her flank that required removal. After diagnosis, a second trip for surgery (under anesthesia so risky), and what will be a third trip to remove sutures is required. It is benign and mostly proactive care, but a Trichofolliculoma can cause ongoing problems and will never go away on it’s own.

Nugget is home and doing well, but she must be segregated while she heals. I have her restricted to the bottom floor of the mansion, originally with Biscuit, now with Tater. I’ll swap in other pigs as I can. Given the location of the sutures, the only threat to her is another pig dominance mounting her. Biscuit has never done that to any pig that I have seen, Tater has only done it once or twice. The only other piggie I can swap in possibly is Waffle, who seems to have bonded with Nugget long ago.

PringleNuggetJuineapig
(Pringle / Nugget / JuineaPig)

For the cats, Badger is doing great, healthy as can be. Speedbump on the other hand has serious issues with his teeth and more. A blood workup shows his kidney is failing and becoming a renal-failure cat, common for 15+ year old felines. His teeth are in bad shape and is due for surgery next week to get them cleaned, many removed and more. After that he goes on a special diet as well. His surgery will cost between $500 – 1k. Of course the little bastard is worth it.

Between the three pigs and two cats, I think I crossed the ~ $2500 mark for the last 6 weeks of pet care. Guess i need to curb my sushi, hooker and blow habbit.

SpeedBumpBadger
(Speedump / Badger)