Box of Shit: The Punkis Confluence

After removing many half-eaten Styrofoam peanuts I found the contents of this box sent by Punkis. Yes, that Punkis; the old, old, decrepit staff member. Bromancing the stone with Modify all those years he left the traffic of the greater Los Angeles region for the warm wonderful climate of a state within spitting distance of Canada. I invited him to our Discord server, he sent me this box. I need to invite him to more things, including the 7th annual aluminum foil eating contest hosted by Lyger.

The first thing that stood out to me was that book. What a truly wonderful book! It seems really familiar, like I might have read it in the past? Then I realized… THAT WAS MY BOOK. That asshole had it for 20 years and finally returned it. I knew he reads slow but wow…

A few highlights from the box. First, a bottle from Punkis’ stash of Horny Goat Weed, a “dietary supplement” for “libido support“. Apparently he stocked up for the pandemic and had too much stock. Bottle “sealed for your protection” a lesson he never learned even after his 18th kid.

The “Squirrel in Underpants” air freshener is a nice touch. He sent it to me after it hung in his truck for two years never making it smell better. I appreciate the unwrapped gifts like this.

The third item is actually not from his pandemic planning stash. He apparently bought 2,000 bottles of this “I Just Shit in the Woods” hand sanitizer years ago, never knowing it would be a life saver. Like many things, he overestimated how much he’d need by a wee bit.

Finally, he sent me one of his kidney stones but had the courtesy of making a nice little card saying it was this magical fossilized coral that was alive 350 million years ago. Hell, it’s probably a relative one generation removed.

I haven’t seen Punkis in a decade and more, but he certainly hasn’t lost his touch on sending the love. ❤

Altered Carbon Nudity Index

For those who know me, they are well aware that I have a slight ‘spreadsheet’ problem. More specifically, Google Sheets since they are collaborative and sync across devices. Not the point! I tend to make Sheets for more and more things and track many data points in my life around my health. I also have my fair share of less useful sheets and my friends are quick to volunteer me to make a new one.

In other cases, sometimes a Sheet full of data is the only way to solve a friendly disagreement. A while back someone asked me what the “oddest” thing I have tracked was. I think the title of this blog post spoiled the answer to that.

What might be more amusing is the conversation that sparked the creation of that sheet, and what disagreement it resolved (the ratio of nudity between men/women in Altered Carbon). ‘J’ericho and ‘F’riend for the dialogue that has been edited slightly for readability:

F: I finished altered carbon last night, binged in one sitting
J: I started it again. There was floating penis in the first 10 seconds of the show?
F: I saw two [penises]. Total. I stand by my complaint.
J: You are judging based on the # of distinct penises, not the frequency of seeing said penises. How many distinct sets of boobs were there?
F: 87654. And frontal fur patch at least 3-4. Total imbalance. The P:B/B (Penis to Bush/Boob) ratio sucked.
J: Need a spreadsheet with incidents by episode, duration, comments like “at a distance, floating in water”, for objective analysis.
F: I use an obviously visible for 2+ seconds rule
J: I wouldn’t. There are times where it could flash for a second but be VERY prominent and count.
F: Obscure millisecond drive by penis hardly counts when they do close ups on boobs. And half the Clothes were stupidly see through. We need to discuss metrics. Asses should be weighed at half value. They are gender neutral.
J: Once you have the base data, you can figure out your formulas.
F: I stand firmly behind the P:B/B metric.
J: But need the base data first!
F: I think we have advanced to next level data nerding 🙂
J: Curious how you missed the blatant penis in S01E02
F: That was the one in the crypt right?
J: Penis 1 was in the Bancroft vault, penis 2 was in the Jack Me Off sex club.
F: Oh I forgot it? Or missed it
J: See! Boob bias!
F: Or it was unremarkable
J: It was prominent, gratuitous cock.
F: Come ON! I’ll go inspect.
J: Time stamp is in sheet.
F: A time stamp, in the sheet. Anything less would be not up to your standards

Ultimately, the data proves that she was right, the P:B/B ratio was heavily skewed toward female nudity, and I was right that her perception of the ratio was slightly off.

See? Good data can answer a lot of questions.

For those who appreciate obscure data, you’re welcome:

Box of Shit: The U.K. @w1bble Variety

It’s been a while since I wrote up a ‘Box of Shit‘ but felt it was time after receiving one from Jamie (@w1bble). He sent it from that far away place trying to find an exit or something; U.K. politics are so weird, not like the U.S. They talk funny too.

Speaking of weird, this guy and his box!

Wyld Stallyns indeed. Also “wyld” is the apparent support for Ticketmaster and hey wait, they have InfoSec style stickers?! Apparently so, and several of them. Although, I think the “MEH” one would go over well to many of their captive-audience customers who frown upon certain fees!

The box also included another sheet of InfoSec stickers along with a sheet of white stickers, shown here in great contrast for clarity. Some day I may learn photoshop and how to actually provide contrast; until then you can download the image and figure it out yourself. After moving the stickers out of the way, the box began to reveal itself!

And it revealed… more stickers. But since I am somewhat of a sticker peddler that tries to put them in the hands of people who appreciate them, I dig it. Certainly some good ones in this batch, many I had not seen before.

After throwing stickers in the air like I found new wealth I dug into the box more. The w1bble already knows I dig those “love hearts” candy after my last trip to his fruity country. Think along the lines of sweet tarts… that fizz a bit. Also included, and part of just about every box in history, is vendor swag. A suave monkey, puzzle I will send off to have done for me, “dodgy bluetooth trackers” as he calls them, mints for me to freshen up, and a smaller nicer box with more shit in it. The two circuit board thingies were “beer tokens @ 44CON, they got soldered onsite and were more interesting ..“.

Inside the little box is the true treasure! A sterling silver squirrel keychain that clearly represents the Eurasian red squirrel that are rumored to exist in the U.K. On my last visit there I saw none and was told I would have to travel far outside London to find them. Of course, I knew that to be a trap and would not venture out into the wild lands where weird Brits might abduct me and lecture me about how good their fish and chips are (Narrator: They aren’t good).

That “Scottish Consulate’s Unicorn Dust Hangover Remedy” will sure come in handy. I am so thankful for Scotland’s plentiful unicorns that provide this unlike those fantasy U.K. red squirrels you only hear about in legends.

Thanks w1bble for this very generous and well-crafted Box of Shit! I rate it 8/10. You lost a point for not including a red squirrel. And the last point is only given for the perfect box, which is like a U.K. red squirrel and doesn’t exist.

A Small Ask of @JerseyMikes For the Greater Good

Jersey Mike’s,

Indulge me briefly please. I have a simple proposal for you that is good for everyone and I have taken the liberty to “show my work”. Read on!

You serve really tasty sub sandwiches and they have become my favorite, displacing Subway and a local sandwich shop. I get the regular #5 Super Sub but do it my way, not yours. That includes adding deli mustard and mayo. Using your nutrition calculator I see that the sandwich jumps from 830 to 1070 calories when I add mayonnaise, meaning it is 240 calories. In reality it is probably a lot more than that given how liberally it is used.

Jersey Mike’s #5 Super Sub

According to Wikipedia you have 1,592 locations. From one of your news articles we know that one location can sell over 1,000 sandwiches in a day. While I know not every store sells that many a day, and I know that not every customer gets mayo, indulge me in a hypothetical.

If a store sells half that amount (500) and half ordered mayo (250) that means you sell 398,000 sandwiches a day (1592 * 250). We know from the calculator that the mayo is 240 calories so multiply by that number of sandwiches and we get 95,520,000 million calories in mayo alone each day. That is pretty incredible.

That made me wonder why you don’t offer an alternate to the full mayo, either light or fat free. Let’s take a look at a leading brand and compare the calories in 1 tablespoon. Kraft Real Mayo is 90 calories, Kraft Light Mayo is 35 calories, and Kraft Fat Free is only 10 calories. Dropping from full to light cuts out 62% (55) calories and dropping to to fat free cuts out 89% (80) calories. Since we only know your sandwich gains 240 calories and not the brand or how much per tablespoon, we have to use those percentages to figure out the cut from 240.

Now we know that 62% of the 240 means 91 calories on a sandwich with light mayo and a big difference with 89% of the 240 meaning only 26 calories on the sandwich. Jumping back to that 95,520,000 calories in mayo a day we have a good contrast. Switching to light mayo would cut that down to 36,297,600 calories a day and switching to fat free would cut that down to 10,507,200 calories a day.

While you probably aren’t open 365 days a year or if so, not full hours, forgive my short cut to just call it a year when we look at the bigger picture. As is, you are potentially dishing out 34,864,800,000 calories every year. That is almost 35 billion.

If Jersey Mike’s offered low-fat mayo it would potentially drop to 13,248,624,000 calories which saves over 21 billion a year. Moving to fat-free would cut it down to a measly 3,835,128,000 calories saving over 31 billion a year. The kicker? If you charged $0.25 for upgrading to less calories that would be $99,500 a day or $36,317,500 a year in profit, assuming you can get fat free for the same price as regular.

Finally, for the critics who might cry that fat-free mayo doesn’t taste as good as the full, you are absolutely right! But on a sub sandwich with a dozen ingredients and the mayonnaise mixed in with deli mustard? I doubt one in a thousand people could taste the difference. For those who disagree? Fine, see above. They could offer both.


Jersey Mike’s could offer low-fat mayo and remove 21.6 billion calories from customer diets or offer fat-free mayo and remove 31 billion calories from customer diets each year while making over 36 million dollars in the process. How about it Mike… this is a win-win.