Box of Shit: D2D’s Dilemma

Back in 2017, D2D sent me a box of shit. I meant to write about it back then but I got busy, which I think foretold that he would get busy. He now checks in every few months to make one pithy statement, usually about toilet events, and vanish back into his ether. Sometimes his quips are more piss than pithy, especially lately. So this blog may act as a summoning beacon and bring him back to Attrition where he can write more Ruby scripts and screw with Lyger’s directory. Anyway, the box started with an ominous note:

Super observant readers may notice the faint bit on the right, that this is in a Ziploc bag. That doesn’t bode well for me usually.

When I saw these two .. dildos (?) wrapped in separate bags, and more items in the box under it also wrapped, you can imagine I was alarmed. So alarmed I waited to open them until last. So I started with a Dunkin Donuts coozie, a yellow clip, and a stretchy flingy monkey that I promptly shot at a cat. Then I dug in further…

You can see from the full spread that D2D kept up with tradition in fine form. Golf ball, network cable, business cards, lock w/o a key, restraints, remote, his mostly used nail polish, a bag of yogurt cup peel-off caps, part of a four-pack beer container (with a sweet squirrel logo!), a damaged hockey puck (?), protein bar, and enough currency to last me a few minutes in the right country. A solid offering. But then I had to contend with the two wrapped dildo shapes in separate Ziploc bags…. I took the plunge.

Low and behold, for the first time in my life, D2D didn’t let me down and didn’t send me dildos. Instead, I received two epic “Mighty Squirrel” beers from Hopstown. I immediately broke one against the fireplace to make a quick shiv and loudly threaten him, despite being 2,000 miles away. It was reflex and I regret breaking that bottle.

Box of Shit: The Kat Variance

For those who know about the sordid history of the Box of Shit, you know where the name comes from. While some may have thoughtful touches and some personalized items, they are generally fun junk. Behold, the Kat variance! After sending a true box of shit to her, a couple months pass and I get an epic, wonderfully prepared, designer box of greatness that surprised me several times over. Timing worked out so I opened it on Christmas and voilà, I had my own celebration in a box. But first, I had to taunt her, to make sure I was giving back as much as she gave me, even before I knew what that was. Given the pandemic, I of course had to let it stew for a bit before I could open it… for safety.

When I did, boy was I surprised. It was just like something you get wrapped at one of those tables in the mall before Christmas day, staffed by four elderly ladies that know how to wrap shit.

Four individually wrapped presents, a cloth sack, and four hidden candy canes surrounded by little strands of tissue ribbon worms that kind of haunt my dreams now. I found two going through my desk drawers this morning. The lush squirrels toasting the holidays were a nice touch but I think they are controlling the worms now. Do they look innocent to you?!

Anyway, if you look closely you may notice that they have orders dictating the order to be opened. But nothing about that little cloth sack. Do I open it first? Last? Dealer’s choice? This of course drove me crazy because you can’t violate the spirt of a box of shit, thems the rules dammit. Technically, I should open it after the third since that would not beak any rules, if you think about it. But I opened it first because I didn’t think about that until writing this blog. #fail

As a collector of squirrel currency (yes, it’s a thing!) and tokens, but not challenge coins, this was a great surprise. While I don’t collect them, I see a lot with my morning mails telling me what “squirrel coins” were put up for auction. “Squirrel challenge coin“, see? Despite that, I had never seen this variation of a secret squirrel challenge coin! Win! On to the first box…

A box of squirrel paper clips. Brilliant! Because what animal is more known for organizing than squirrels! Not only had I never seen these, I am actually running low on paper clips. The next time I print out emails and hand them to someone, beautifully bound with these, they will be impressed. Box #2…

Squirrels, the game! Collect Nuts, Cause Mayhem, Make Terrible Squirrel puns! Yes, yes, and more yes! At squirrel nutworking events I am known for cracking a good joke before I leaf for the night. The best part… never seen this game before. Three for three! Box #3…

The nanoblock NBC_178, aka the Squirrel! If you are looking at it thinking it is a Chipmunk, you are wrong (notice the tail). And even if you were right they are in the Sciuridae family! Now, I have seen this and even built one before, that completed pic is from last year. But, I asked if I should re-gift or build again and put on my second desk and I was told the second desk it is. So I have another lego project in my future. The hidden bonus? Nanoblock kits come with quite a few extra pieces; enough to make two extra acorns even. =) Box #4…

This one was a two-fer! First, an amazing squirrel puzzle box that I have never seen! Once opened, it came with some breath mints or the largest Quaaludes you’ve ever seen. TBD. Along with those was this great necklace that features a 1 Øre coin from Norway, known for it’s prominent squirrel featured. Most people who have received a box or envelope of shit from me have received one of these coins, but never in such great condition and never as part of a necklace. Some people wear patron saint necklaces and now I have my own.

So there you go, an absolutely incredible box that ascends past the title of ‘Box of Shit’. This was a box of brilliance.

Comic: “Damn movies…”

I’m not an artist but I occasionally have ideas. I contracted ‘Quickcartoon‘ on Fiverr to put one of my ideas from early this year into a comic strip. Pretty sure I had this idea years ago and from time to time remember it, often after watching a movie that involves the C.I.A.

Woman: Where do you work?
Man: State dept.

Woman: Oooh, you are a CIA agent?!
Man: (Damn movies…)

[Man mopping at the U.S. Department of State]

Note: This is copyright to me but free to use for non-commercial purposes.

Box of Shit: The Punkis Confluence

After removing many half-eaten Styrofoam peanuts I found the contents of this box sent by Punkis. Yes, that Punkis; the old, old, decrepit staff member. Bromancing the stone with Modify all those years he left the traffic of the greater Los Angeles region for the warm wonderful climate of a state within spitting distance of Canada. I invited him to our Discord server, he sent me this box. I need to invite him to more things, including the 7th annual aluminum foil eating contest hosted by Lyger.

The first thing that stood out to me was that book. What a truly wonderful book! It seems really familiar, like I might have read it in the past? Then I realized… THAT WAS MY BOOK. That asshole had it for 20 years and finally returned it. I knew he reads slow but wow…

A few highlights from the box. First, a bottle from Punkis’ stash of Horny Goat Weed, a “dietary supplement” for “libido support“. Apparently he stocked up for the pandemic and had too much stock. Bottle “sealed for your protection” a lesson he never learned even after his 18th kid.

The “Squirrel in Underpants” air freshener is a nice touch. He sent it to me after it hung in his truck for two years never making it smell better. I appreciate the unwrapped gifts like this.

The third item is actually not from his pandemic planning stash. He apparently bought 2,000 bottles of this “I Just Shit in the Woods” hand sanitizer years ago, never knowing it would be a life saver. Like many things, he overestimated how much he’d need by a wee bit.

Finally, he sent me one of his kidney stones but had the courtesy of making a nice little card saying it was this magical fossilized coral that was alive 350 million years ago. Hell, it’s probably a relative one generation removed.

I haven’t seen Punkis in a decade and more, but he certainly hasn’t lost his touch on sending the love. ❤

Box of Shit: The U.K. @w1bble Variety

It’s been a while since I wrote up a ‘Box of Shit‘ but felt it was time after receiving one from Jamie (@w1bble). He sent it from that far away place trying to find an exit or something; U.K. politics are so weird, not like the U.S. They talk funny too.

Speaking of weird, this guy and his box!

Wyld Stallyns indeed. Also “wyld” is the apparent support for Ticketmaster and hey wait, they have InfoSec style stickers?! Apparently so, and several of them. Although, I think the “MEH” one would go over well to many of their captive-audience customers who frown upon certain fees!

The box also included another sheet of InfoSec stickers along with a sheet of white stickers, shown here in great contrast for clarity. Some day I may learn photoshop and how to actually provide contrast; until then you can download the image and figure it out yourself. After moving the stickers out of the way, the box began to reveal itself!

And it revealed… more stickers. But since I am somewhat of a sticker peddler that tries to put them in the hands of people who appreciate them, I dig it. Certainly some good ones in this batch, many I had not seen before.

After throwing stickers in the air like I found new wealth I dug into the box more. The w1bble already knows I dig those “love hearts” candy after my last trip to his fruity country. Think along the lines of sweet tarts… that fizz a bit. Also included, and part of just about every box in history, is vendor swag. A suave monkey, puzzle I will send off to have done for me, “dodgy bluetooth trackers” as he calls them, mints for me to freshen up, and a smaller nicer box with more shit in it. The two circuit board thingies were “beer tokens @ 44CON, they got soldered onsite and were more interesting ..“.

Inside the little box is the true treasure! A sterling silver squirrel keychain that clearly represents the Eurasian red squirrel that are rumored to exist in the U.K. On my last visit there I saw none and was told I would have to travel far outside London to find them. Of course, I knew that to be a trap and would not venture out into the wild lands where weird Brits might abduct me and lecture me about how good their fish and chips are (Narrator: They aren’t good).

That “Scottish Consulate’s Unicorn Dust Hangover Remedy” will sure come in handy. I am so thankful for Scotland’s plentiful unicorns that provide this unlike those fantasy U.K. red squirrels you only hear about in legends.

Thanks w1bble for this very generous and well-crafted Box of Shit! I rate it 8/10. You lost a point for not including a red squirrel. And the last point is only given for the perfect box, which is like a U.K. red squirrel and doesn’t exist.

The Uncertain Future of Necco Wafers and the Logical Response

Recently, the Necco wafer factory abruptly shut down after the company sold it to an “unknown buyer”.

The footer to that image reads: “Necco, the oldest candy company in the country, abruptly shut down its Revere, Mass. factory on July 26, and left about 230 workers jobless. (Reuters)”

Yes, the oldest candy company in the country! This is history right here. We must preserve and honor it, do everything we can to preserve it, even if a tiny majority of Americans enjoy Necco wafers (like me)! I’m not the only one… Newsweek reports, “Fans stock up as America’s Oldest Candy Company Faces Closure”.

I caught wind of this several months ago, and as a fan of Necco wafers, I was obviously worried. So I did what any red-blooded, patriotic, Type-1 diabetic American would do… I bought some.

I bought 154 rolls of Necco wafers, including the rare Sour ones that are doubly delicious.

That is 33,850 calories of Necco wafers.

That is 8,624 carbohydrates (sugar) of Necco wafers.

And my insurance provider tried to tell me and my doctor that I didn’t need insulin as a Type-1 diabetic. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Box of Shit: Chris Sistrunk

After sending a glorious box of shit to Chris Sistrunk (@chrissistrunk), he decided to continue the fine tradition of such boxes and send one back to me.


First, let’s be clear, the bowl of peanuts was not in the box. Chris would never give up peanuts, as he loves feeding his numerous squirrels. Second, let’s be clear, that book is awesome. If you work in the Energy Sector and deal with it in any meaningful way, it is imperitive you pick up a copy of “SCADA and Me: A Book for Children and Management“. As we learn, “is SCADA in the cloud?” No, that would be stupid.

In the theme of animals, the box included a purple hippo that is no doubt hungry, an old fashioned QCat (I think someone in #303 was after that recently), and a PhishMe keyring.

In the sticker mess, a classic “What could possibly go wrong?” that doesn’t flip over to say “EVERYTHING”, a Mississippi Pint Raising one, Lazy Magnolia brewery, a starry ‘pwn’ one, and a fun warning sticker that will stop me from stealing copper cables while sober.

Pretty sure that King of Clubs is some hint to a passphrase to get into that Department of Homeland Security CSET CD. #kodez

The orange tape I can auction off on eBay for sure; who doesn’t want a Chipmunks tape?! I bet @KickFroggy will be the first to bid too.

Ear plugs, a box of Nerds, and a Camo Condom really make me wonder about Chris. Being from the deep south, pretty sure that is how he found the wife.

Along with the usual BoS staples like bottle caps, pens, and buttons, he sent two awesome USB dongle warning tabs that remind us that bad things can come on free USB sticks. Pretty sure for the irony value, he will send me a USB stick in a few weeks.

Box of Shit: Space Rogue

At some point around 2008 I put together a box with a bunch of random shit laying around. Nothing of value, all stuff you question why you even kept it in the first place basically. Off it went to an unsuspecting victim/friend. From there, the box-of-shit was born. Since then, I have sent out hundreds of boxes or envelopes of shit. On occasion, people document what they receive with comedic flair. This is one of the boxes I received and wrote about. This was originally published on

For those who aren’t up on curmudgeon history, Space Rogue, who I lovingly call ‘Sprog’, and I go way back. Not like that, it wasn’t romantic, it was purely a writer and tech editor relationship. The total bromance came years later. Pretty sure we sealed the deal over a meal in China Town last year. Or was that my desperate attempt to order a ‘Purple Squirrel’ from a bar that didn’t want my money, not really sure.

Anyway, for X-mas this year, Sprog sent me a box of shit. It was so epic, so awesome, and so me, I didn’t write it up until now because I didn’t want anyone to miss out in the holiday clusterfuck. In fact, if 100 people don’t acknowledge just how awesome this box is, I will have to start re-Tweeting it every day like a retarded rabbit.

Yes, he sent me wonderful paperwork, including this awesome sticker of squirrel and .. hey wait, that fucker sent my own sticker back to me! On the up side, if I want to go to a creepy amusement park and run the risk of ending up the plot of a CSI episode, I now have plenty of tickets. He was also very generous and sent me two gift cards! I have a strong feeling if I check the balances, I may come out with $1.32 between them. Hey, I am not complaining, that can buy me four tacos; it’s Denver, I know which trucks to go to.

Last time we were in a dive bar, I asked Sprog about ‘Ass Pirates’. Pretty sure the booze hit him, as months later, he sent me literature on the “Pirate Party of Massachusetts”. It’s OK though, my mails to info AT have been answered promptly every time.

Most boxes of shit come with a whole bunch of … well, shit. This box? Oh no, it broke the mold. In fact, after breaking the mold, it bent the mold over and sodomized it thoroughly. This box is pure awesome. Not only did it come with working crap, it came with practical working crap!

A wall mount bottle opener. This is perfect for the guy who didn’t have one in his spare bedroom, and it gets installed tomorrow. That ‘Apple Computer’ pencil? Collector’s item. That has to be worth more than Steve Jobs’ diary, which I will return when I am done with it. The ‘Blackberry Security’ keychain? This is a perfect analogy as it is big, and only performs 3 functions, much like the average Crackberry device: opens beer, provides light, and organizes your keys. A green rubber light-up bouncy ball that says “Enterprise Security”! Now, when we’re playing buzz-word bingo, I don’t have to say it, I can just slap that against their noggin for double the enjoyment.

Look closely; notice the 32M SD card that has been run through the ‘Sprog Enlarger Ray’? Don’t ask what else he uses that on BTW. The value isn’t in the 32M of porn storage, but the proof he has that technology. Actually, wonder if that will fit my Motorola Brick phone? Excalibur 4GB USB 2.0 storage thingy. Again, it isn’t about 4GB of porn storage; it is about hitting the button and watching the USB plug flip out ninja-style. Next time I am in line getting groped by the TSA, I can use this as a surprise weapon to regain my dignity. The ‘Griffin’ thing at the bottom, I really don’t know what that is, but is has buttons and a USB plug, so I know it is hot tech. The 1GB of RAM he sent? Hot shit, that will help better power my bunker computer which has no ties to the outside world. That thing is solid, a beast I tell you. The other USB device (notice a theme here?) from IBM looks like it will provide light, which is amusing as most things IBM only cast darkness over an organization. Oh, the floss you ask? That shit is valuable in jail, ask anyone. HNN shot glass? He’s sending one a year, letting me build up to an entire set for when I have guests over. Sprog is considerate if nothing else.

And now… for the awesome. Words fail me, and only liberal amounts of booze can coax these meager words from me. I can finally take down the collage of @Indi303 pictures I have above my mantle, and replace them with something truly worthy. No more plotting to end Indi in a blaze of fruit loops and pickles, I now have something positive to guide me through life. My new shrine begins with this epic glass sculpture of a squirrel, pictured below in all of its glory. By tomorrow, my squirrel minions will be lining up to worship at this alter, leaving little gifts of shelled almonds, Keebler Club Minis, and commuters’ spleens. This glorious squirrel-god will happily accept those offerings, and direct me how to proceed in pissing all over the security industry. Oh squirrel-god, please guide me…

Parody: Belated “Blame APT” Day

[This was originally published on]

May 1st, May Day, was dubbed “Blame APT Day” by @Unicorn_Threat on Twitter:

We declare that May 1st (May Day) will be #IBlameAPT day all your screw ups will be given a free pass just blame #APT You’re Welcome!.. #UPT

In the wake of high profile hacks at RSA and Department of Energy, our industry and the general public are quickly learning that any compromise can quickly and efficiently be blamed on the dreaded “Advanced Persistent Threat” or APT. Such devious attacks simply cannot be predicted, stopped or blended with orange juice. It doesn’t matter if your employees click on PDF attachments and open them with Adobe software, it is clearly the work of an APT!

In honor of these companies instantly blaming their own incompetance and security failings on “APT”, and as a warning that will fully blame the infamous “APT” the next time we get popped, we provide you with a new song to sing yourselves to sleep every night.. comforted in the warm blanket of security that only “blame APT” can bring you. To the tune of ‘Sail’ by ‘AWOLNATION’… FAIL!

This is how I ‘splain my breach.
I made up in my mind because
I blame it on the APT baby..

This is how a CEO cries.
Blame it on the threat outside.
Blame it on the APT baby..

FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill my shell
Blame it on the APT baby

Maybe it’s a different breach
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on the APT baby

FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL!

Lalalalala Lalalalalaoooo
Lalalalala Lalalalalaoooo

FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL! .. FAIL!