Box of Shit: D2D’s Dilemma

Back in 2017, D2D sent me a box of shit. I meant to write about it back then but I got busy, which I think foretold that he would get busy. He now checks in every few months to make one pithy statement, usually about toilet events, and vanish back into his ether. Sometimes his quips are more piss than pithy, especially lately. So this blog may act as a summoning beacon and bring him back to Attrition where he can write more Ruby scripts and screw with Lyger’s directory. Anyway, the box started with an ominous note:

Super observant readers may notice the faint bit on the right, that this is in a Ziploc bag. That doesn’t bode well for me usually.

When I saw these two .. dildos (?) wrapped in separate bags, and more items in the box under it also wrapped, you can imagine I was alarmed. So alarmed I waited to open them until last. So I started with a Dunkin Donuts coozie, a yellow clip, and a stretchy flingy monkey that I promptly shot at a cat. Then I dug in further…

You can see from the full spread that D2D kept up with tradition in fine form. Golf ball, network cable, business cards, lock w/o a key, restraints, remote, his mostly used nail polish, a bag of yogurt cup peel-off caps, part of a four-pack beer container (with a sweet squirrel logo!), a damaged hockey puck (?), protein bar, and enough currency to last me a few minutes in the right country. A solid offering. But then I had to contend with the two wrapped dildo shapes in separate Ziploc bags…. I took the plunge.

Low and behold, for the first time in my life, D2D didn’t let me down and didn’t send me dildos. Instead, I received two epic “Mighty Squirrel” beers from Hopstown. I immediately broke one against the fireplace to make a quick shiv and loudly threaten him, despite being 2,000 miles away. It was reflex and I regret breaking that bottle.

Box of Shit: The Kat Variance

For those who know about the sordid history of the Box of Shit, you know where the name comes from. While some may have thoughtful touches and some personalized items, they are generally fun junk. Behold, the Kat variance! After sending a true box of shit to her, a couple months pass and I get an epic, wonderfully prepared, designer box of greatness that surprised me several times over. Timing worked out so I opened it on Christmas and voilà, I had my own celebration in a box. But first, I had to taunt her, to make sure I was giving back as much as she gave me, even before I knew what that was. Given the pandemic, I of course had to let it stew for a bit before I could open it… for safety.

When I did, boy was I surprised. It was just like something you get wrapped at one of those tables in the mall before Christmas day, staffed by four elderly ladies that know how to wrap shit.

Four individually wrapped presents, a cloth sack, and four hidden candy canes surrounded by little strands of tissue ribbon worms that kind of haunt my dreams now. I found two going through my desk drawers this morning. The lush squirrels toasting the holidays were a nice touch but I think they are controlling the worms now. Do they look innocent to you?!

Anyway, if you look closely you may notice that they have orders dictating the order to be opened. But nothing about that little cloth sack. Do I open it first? Last? Dealer’s choice? This of course drove me crazy because you can’t violate the spirt of a box of shit, thems the rules dammit. Technically, I should open it after the third since that would not beak any rules, if you think about it. But I opened it first because I didn’t think about that until writing this blog. #fail

As a collector of squirrel currency (yes, it’s a thing!) and tokens, but not challenge coins, this was a great surprise. While I don’t collect them, I see a lot with my morning mails telling me what “squirrel coins” were put up for auction. “Squirrel challenge coin“, see? Despite that, I had never seen this variation of a secret squirrel challenge coin! Win! On to the first box…

A box of squirrel paper clips. Brilliant! Because what animal is more known for organizing than squirrels! Not only had I never seen these, I am actually running low on paper clips. The next time I print out emails and hand them to someone, beautifully bound with these, they will be impressed. Box #2…

Squirrels, the game! Collect Nuts, Cause Mayhem, Make Terrible Squirrel puns! Yes, yes, and more yes! At squirrel nutworking events I am known for cracking a good joke before I leaf for the night. The best part… never seen this game before. Three for three! Box #3…

The nanoblock NBC_178, aka the Squirrel! If you are looking at it thinking it is a Chipmunk, you are wrong (notice the tail). And even if you were right they are in the Sciuridae family! Now, I have seen this and even built one before, that completed pic is from last year. But, I asked if I should re-gift or build again and put on my second desk and I was told the second desk it is. So I have another lego project in my future. The hidden bonus? Nanoblock kits come with quite a few extra pieces; enough to make two extra acorns even. =) Box #4…

This one was a two-fer! First, an amazing squirrel puzzle box that I have never seen! Once opened, it came with some breath mints or the largest Quaaludes you’ve ever seen. TBD. Along with those was this great necklace that features a 1 Øre coin from Norway, known for it’s prominent squirrel featured. Most people who have received a box or envelope of shit from me have received one of these coins, but never in such great condition and never as part of a necklace. Some people wear patron saint necklaces and now I have my own.

So there you go, an absolutely incredible box that ascends past the title of ‘Box of Shit’. This was a box of brilliance.

Box of Shit: The Punkis Confluence

After removing many half-eaten Styrofoam peanuts I found the contents of this box sent by Punkis. Yes, that Punkis; the old, old, decrepit Attrition.org staff member. Bromancing the stone with Modify all those years he left the traffic of the greater Los Angeles region for the warm wonderful climate of a state within spitting distance of Canada. I invited him to our Discord server, he sent me this box. I need to invite him to more things, including the 7th annual aluminum foil eating contest hosted by Lyger.

The first thing that stood out to me was that book. What a truly wonderful book! It seems really familiar, like I might have read it in the past? Then I realized… THAT WAS MY BOOK. That asshole had it for 20 years and finally returned it. I knew he reads slow but wow…

A few highlights from the box. First, a bottle from Punkis’ stash of Horny Goat Weed, a “dietary supplement” for “libido support“. Apparently he stocked up for the pandemic and had too much stock. Bottle “sealed for your protection” a lesson he never learned even after his 18th kid.

The “Squirrel in Underpants” air freshener is a nice touch. He sent it to me after it hung in his truck for two years never making it smell better. I appreciate the unwrapped gifts like this.

The third item is actually not from his pandemic planning stash. He apparently bought 2,000 bottles of this “I Just Shit in the Woods” hand sanitizer years ago, never knowing it would be a life saver. Like many things, he overestimated how much he’d need by a wee bit.

Finally, he sent me one of his kidney stones but had the courtesy of making a nice little card saying it was this magical fossilized coral that was alive 350 million years ago. Hell, it’s probably a relative one generation removed.

I haven’t seen Punkis in a decade and more, but he certainly hasn’t lost his touch on sending the love. ❤

Box of Shit: The U.K. @w1bble Variety

It’s been a while since I wrote up a ‘Box of Shit‘ but felt it was time after receiving one from Jamie (@w1bble). He sent it from that far away place trying to find an exit or something; U.K. politics are so weird, not like the U.S. They talk funny too.

Speaking of weird, this guy and his box!

Wyld Stallyns indeed. Also “wyld” is the apparent support for Ticketmaster and hey wait, they have InfoSec style stickers?! Apparently so, and several of them. Although, I think the “MEH” one would go over well to many of their captive-audience customers who frown upon certain fees!

The box also included another sheet of InfoSec stickers along with a sheet of white stickers, shown here in great contrast for clarity. Some day I may learn photoshop and how to actually provide contrast; until then you can download the image and figure it out yourself. After moving the stickers out of the way, the box began to reveal itself!

And it revealed… more stickers. But since I am somewhat of a sticker peddler that tries to put them in the hands of people who appreciate them, I dig it. Certainly some good ones in this batch, many I had not seen before.

After throwing stickers in the air like I found new wealth I dug into the box more. The w1bble already knows I dig those “love hearts” candy after my last trip to his fruity country. Think along the lines of sweet tarts… that fizz a bit. Also included, and part of just about every box in history, is vendor swag. A suave monkey, puzzle I will send off to have done for me, “dodgy bluetooth trackers” as he calls them, mints for me to freshen up, and a smaller nicer box with more shit in it. The two circuit board thingies were “beer tokens @ 44CON, they got soldered onsite and were more interesting ..“.

Inside the little box is the true treasure! A sterling silver squirrel keychain that clearly represents the Eurasian red squirrel that are rumored to exist in the U.K. On my last visit there I saw none and was told I would have to travel far outside London to find them. Of course, I knew that to be a trap and would not venture out into the wild lands where weird Brits might abduct me and lecture me about how good their fish and chips are (Narrator: They aren’t good).

That “Scottish Consulate’s Unicorn Dust Hangover Remedy” will sure come in handy. I am so thankful for Scotland’s plentiful unicorns that provide this unlike those fantasy U.K. red squirrels you only hear about in legends.

Thanks w1bble for this very generous and well-crafted Box of Shit! I rate it 8/10. You lost a point for not including a red squirrel. And the last point is only given for the perfect box, which is like a U.K. red squirrel and doesn’t exist.

Box of Shit from Chris Sistrunk

After sending a glorious box of shit to Chris Sistrunk (@chrissistrunk), he decided to continue the fine tradition of such boxes and send one back to me.

sistrunk-revenge-box

First, let’s be clear, the bowl of peanuts was not in the box. Chris would never give up peanuts, as he loves feeding his numerous squirrels. Second, let’s be clear, that book is awesome. If you work in the Energy Sector and deal with it in any meaningful way, it is imperitive you pick up a copy of “SCADA and Me: A Book for Children and Management“. As we learn, “is SCADA in the cloud?” No, that would be stupid.

In the theme of animals, the box included a purple hippo that is no doubt hungry, an old fashioned QCat (I think someone in #303 was after that recently), and a PhishMe keyring.

In the sticker mess, a classic “What could possibly go wrong?” that doesn’t flip over to say “EVERYTHING”, a Mississippi Pint Raising one, Lazy Magnolia brewery, a starry ‘pwn’ one, and a fun warning sticker that will stop me from stealing copper cables while sober.

Pretty sure that King of Clubs is some hint to a passphrase to get into that Department of Homeland Security CSET CD. #kodez

The orange tape I can auction off on eBay for sure; who doesn’t want a Chipmunks tape?! I bet @KickFroggy will be the first to bid too.

Ear plugs, a box of Nerds, and a Camo Condom really make me wonder about Chris. Being from the deep south, pretty sure that is how he found the wife.

Along with the usual BoS staples like bottle caps, pens, and buttons, he sent two awesome USB dongle warning tabs that remind us that bad things can come on free USB sticks. Pretty sure for the irony value, he will send me a USB stick in a few weeks.