Box of Shit: D2D’s Dilemma

Back in 2017, D2D sent me a box of shit. I meant to write about it back then but I got busy, which I think foretold that he would get busy. He now checks in every few months to make one pithy statement, usually about toilet events, and vanish back into his ether. Sometimes his quips are more piss than pithy, especially lately. So this blog may act as a summoning beacon and bring him back to Attrition where he can write more Ruby scripts and screw with Lyger’s directory. Anyway, the box started with an ominous note:

Super observant readers may notice the faint bit on the right, that this is in a Ziploc bag. That doesn’t bode well for me usually.

When I saw these two .. dildos (?) wrapped in separate bags, and more items in the box under it also wrapped, you can imagine I was alarmed. So alarmed I waited to open them until last. So I started with a Dunkin Donuts coozie, a yellow clip, and a stretchy flingy monkey that I promptly shot at a cat. Then I dug in further…

You can see from the full spread that D2D kept up with tradition in fine form. Golf ball, network cable, business cards, lock w/o a key, restraints, remote, his mostly used nail polish, a bag of yogurt cup peel-off caps, part of a four-pack beer container (with a sweet squirrel logo!), a damaged hockey puck (?), protein bar, and enough currency to last me a few minutes in the right country. A solid offering. But then I had to contend with the two wrapped dildo shapes in separate Ziploc bags…. I took the plunge.

Low and behold, for the first time in my life, D2D didn’t let me down and didn’t send me dildos. Instead, I received two epic “Mighty Squirrel” beers from Hopstown. I immediately broke one against the fireplace to make a quick shiv and loudly threaten him, despite being 2,000 miles away. It was reflex and I regret breaking that bottle.